Darlings, as I cast my sultry smoldering eyes around the world today, I am alarmed by how many of you appear to have ballooned beyond recognition into rotund roly polys! I’m not talking about the odd pound here and there which is an acceptable deviation from what is deemed healthy and I am certainly not promoting a world of size zero skeletons. I’m also aware that some people have ‘medical’ conditions that involve the involuntary piling on of excess weight and of course this is unfortunate. I’m also not casting aspersions on the larger lady. After all some of the most beautiful women in the world have been voluptuous vixens, Marilyn Monroe was famously a generous size 16, which is now the average dress size. What I’m concerned about is the huge titanic swathe of gargantuan gluttons who drag there flab through the streets filling their chubby faces with endless amounts of fatty fast food.
The problem for those of you whose veracious appetites are unquenchable is that political correctness has failed you, when once your nearest and dearest would encourage you not to scoff that second helping of lasagna, they’re now afraid to offend. Though my darlings it is beneficial to deny oneself, it is I’m afraid imperative that when faced by a mountain of carbohydrates that you just say “NO!”
The powers that be have ordained the correct mathematical quota for your height/fat/weight ratio. Thus, you wait until you are instructed by a professional that you are now too heavy. In the darkest recesses of your minds you know when you’re fatter than you should be. The answer to staying within the realms of what is a comfortable weight is not held in the secret files of specialized practioners and it is not concealed in the latest best selling diet book. It's quite simple: when you're hungry, eat. When you're full, stop. Listen to your body; remember the faint inner voice that once bellowed from beneath.
Regrettably contemporary culture has released you from responsibility, persuaded you into believing that everything is someone else’s fault. You believe that Mcdonalds just put too much fat in their fries. You whine and blubber into your vast tubs of ice cream and when you’ve consumed the lot and look like a house you’re told to litigate, to blame and to apportion responsibility, anywhere but at your own front door.
Yes, temptation is all around you and it’s occasionally hard to resist but if you really are struggling with self control and seek comfort in that second helping, throw all large dinner plates out of the nearest window. Eat only from small side plates, this is guaranteed to fool your sloppy brains into thinking you’ve filled your stomachs. So my poor deluded loves open your ears and try and assimilate what I am saying, I Coco LaVerne, your humble servant and champion is not benefiting financially from these words. I'm not advertising an exercise video or promoting the popping of a new range of diet pills. My simple manifesto is this; EAT LESS! In some cases, MUCH LESS!
My poor sweet deluded loves, forgive my frankness, as I am simply trying to remind you that when you’re only focus is on the mundane you are bound to believe the answer to your woes is in a giant portion of processed slop. In order to escape the putrid lives you lead you must accept responsibility and access the true wonderment of humanity personified perfectly in the truly glamorous.
Though remember it is not your size that prevents you from achieving your goals it is your lack of intellect.