Grace Kelly an elegant bride
Dearest Darlings; during your time on planet Earth, littered with questionable career decisions and frequent wardrobe misdemeanours you seek a suitable mate that you think best corresponds with your own inadequacies. In time you marry and consequently create a personification of your union who will then; like you embark on the same process, this is how it has been for generations. Bizarrely this is something that you decide to celebrate with an engagement, a wedding, a honeymoon, and so it goes on.
An inevitable part of this ritual is the vulgar and questionable hen party; these bachelorette soirées bring together generations of ‘ladies’ to send off the bemused ‘bride-to-be’ into married life; this involves the mass consumption of alcohol, the deployment of ‘erotic’ sex-toys and most alarming of all the adoption of ‘fancy-dress’; usually consisting of bunny ears and other ‘amusing’ fashion accessories. In a gruesome ‘Dance of Death’ gaggles of drunken reprobates stagger from bar to bar spewing up their ‘Bacardi Breezers’ and screaming slurred expletives at bewildered passers by. Like hordes of deranged savages you overwhelm the streets ‘celebrating’ your new found vocation as producers of the next generation of mindless parasites.
My poor sweet loves, surely when one is congratulating oneself on the ‘success’ of finding a fitting other-half it would be wise to commemorate the profundity of your situation. Debauched behaviour is not befitting a powerful woman of the 21st century. I suggest that a more graceful solution would be to meet with friends for dinner in an elegant restaurant to converse on the merits of your spouse and to perhaps joke about the antics of your youth. It should not involve you adopting the dress of a cheap tart or school girl and caressing your cleavage with a confectionary phallus.
I as the personification of magnificence, implore you to turn away from ‘
With much affection Ms Coco Laverne x