My Dearest Darlings, with these words of wisdom I aim to impart the knowledge of the truly glamorous to you, in the petty details of your lives you have lost true meaning and as a result you wander aimlessly from mindless activity to senseless distraction. In my immense astuteness I have chosen to help you become true embodiments of glamour the qualities of which are complex and illusive, though if you concentrate and try to assimilate my insights you may begin to fulfil your true potential.
The advice and guidance I offer you is given from pity and love, despite your astounding lack of self respect and undeniable stupidity I will be patient. As a living embodiment of fantastic beauty and intelligence I see my role as reluctant yet inspiring teacher.
As I observe the many short fallings of the pitiful society you inhabit I feel must remind you of your rightful position in the world. Human beings are apparently the most intelligent occupants of Planet Earth aside from perhaps dolphins.
The taming of animals throughout human history has been essential to your development, wolves once protected your tribes from wild beasts, aided the hunt and kept you warm in harsh winters an odd morsel their only reward. This partnership between man and beast benefited both parties and as result mans continual tinkering with evolution was secured.
Animals are amazing products of evolution their brains perfectly suited for their habitats however the domestication of canine-kind has reached sickening depths. The infantalisation of the dog is an appalling affront to Mother Nature. It is difficult to believe that the once great wolf has become the bejewelled yapping miniature pup stuffed into the Louis Vuitton handbag of impertinent brainless socialites. I can only assume the reason Paris Hilton insists on carrying microscopic mutts around with her is that it guarantees that she will not have the smallest brain in any given room. The ridiculously girlish who fawn over their puppies are a sickening demonstration of cultures ideal of the perpetual infant. Akin to coyly trailing a cuddly toy on the floor these ‘girls’ believe that they will be adored if they refrain from behaving like real women, the dog their unwitting accessory in a twisted ploy to win approval and maintain the image of passive femininity.
Humanity has transformed the dog into an impotent fluffy simulacrum Infantilised and patronised, raped of dignity and designed to become merely the latest fashion must-have. You have bred the nature out of your ‘best friend’ as a result freakishly tiny, short legged floppy eared canines suffer endless ailments brought on by the incessant in-breeding designed by the idiotic.
Sadly there is not much that can be done to restore the dignity of the wondrous beast that once roamed your wilds, though you can help to improve the despicable situation. Desist In parading your pet in various ‘outfits’ as it undeniably belittles the heritage of the hound, refrain from dressing your dogs in bobble hats and ‘comedy’ ears, do not varnish its claws and curl its eyelashes. Let it fulfil its function as your hearty companion, let it work and protect, allow it to remember its distant ancestry, if you begin to treat the humble dog with respect and enable it to have the dignity it once had you too may remember your function as true personification of humanity, an intelligent resident of Planet Earth not an empty headed fashionista bathing in the retardation of womankind.