Coco LaVerne

Faked in Chelsea

2011-10-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings a television phenomenon has reached yourscreens; the deplorable “The Only Way is Essex” format is unsurprisingly plunderedfrom your American cousins. This is yet another incarnation of reality TV whichplays to the lowest common denominator. Painfully crass and transparent ‘dramatic’set pieces are constructed under the guise of so called ‘reality’ allowing the protagoniststo squirm and wriggle with embarrassing ineptitude for your pruriententertainment.

I hoped that this unbearable spectacle would fade due to itsexcruciating and unpleasant exploitation of the main players but alas the crazehas captured the television audiences’ imagination. Not satisfied by makingthe working class Essex types appear to be inane uneducated plebeians the formathas moved on to exploit the inane yet apparently (though you’d barely know it)educated: “Made in Chelsea” invites the ridiculously named and unimaginably privileged‘stars’ the opportunity to make total and complete fools of themselves.

I can only imagine what it is that draws you to spend yourvaluable time gazing at the screen whilst this hideous portrayal of humanity isbroadcast. Is it that you see yourselves as “them”? Is it that you vicariouslylive your lives through the endless superficial banality of their so calledproblems? I can’t imagine that you console your selves by assuming that this isreality TV. It surely cannot fool even you into believing that these people areexperiencing ‘real life’.

The obvious and main reason why this format has beenfashioned is I assume because it is cheap and requires next to no creativity,and it is this that is my point. Such is the current cultural life you engagewith that your so called ‘reality’ entertainment is completely fabricated. Forsome inexplicable reason you have lost the ability to engage with fictionalcharacters meticulously created by true artists. The skill and dexterity ofyour film makers or novelists has been jettisoned. You apparently prefer toengage with ‘real’ figures placed in ‘faked’ situations with the aptitude of a five year old tabloid journalist. Sad My Darlings as you deserve so much more…

With Despair Ms Coco LaVerne x

The Closet

2011-10-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, over the lastfew months there has been a terrible torrent of stories regarding your inexplicablyyoung committing suicide, due; it is reported to the impossible experience ofbeing perceived as gay in your schools. Why is it that teenagers see that the onlyescape from persistent and relentless bullying is suicide?

Could it be that despite variouscampaigns and celebrities championing gay people that in the ‘real’ world it isstill not acceptable to be gay? Gayness is still seen as a life choice, as somethingto be kept private; to be ashamed of. In the UK recently amid spurious rumours of politician LiamFox’s sexuality he felt his only option was to resign from government, perhapsit is the secrecy and therefore the dishonesty of his demeanour that created an atmosphere ofdistrust which led to his resignation. Thefact that Mr Fox whatever his sexuality was subject to such prurient speculationsuggests that to be gay is still seen as something controversial. Or is it thatdisguising ones sexuality is the real problem? Whatever the case the young perceive speculation surrounding ones sexual preference as a scandal and as aresult it is still seen as apparently unrespectable to be gay.

Outrageous (and popularly perceivedas slightly bonkers) superstar Lady Gaga has made it her mission to combatbullying and apparently met President Obama recently to discuss the issue, thiswas in part due to Jamey Rodemeyer’s mention and gratitude to Lady Gagaon-line for her support of gay issues shortly before his suicide due tohomophobic bullying.

Well meaning actor and portrayer ofthe eccentric Zachary Quinto ‘came-out’ this week suggesting that the tragic storyof Jamey Rodemeyer had acted as a catalyst for his own public acknowledgment ofhis sexuality, he announced that his ‘comingout’ was as an act of gay solidarity. As worthy and admirable as this is, thefact remains that the gay people that actually have political power, the gay peoplethat are in a position to change laws and opinions remain relatively invisible,these mysterious men in suits continue to refuse (perhaps understandably) to bedefined by their sexuality, though as long as they continue to do so the onlyvisible gay people and example to the young remain as quirky actors, cuckoo pop-stars,and salacious celebrities, the powers that be expect the famous flibbertigibbet to be gay or gayfriendly so alas the support from the ‘weird’ does not particularly challengethe perception and position of the gay person in society hence the continuingchastisement and marginalisation of gay people in your complex and peculiarsociety by the average or ‘normal’ who it is worth noting remain a constantsource of bewilderment and discombobulation to your humble servant Ms CocoLaverne X.

The Royal Wedding

2011-04-16T05:58:00.000-07:00

Dearest Darlings it is at last the month of April when bleary eyed translucent faced layabouts finally emerge into the blinding silvery light of spring. Magnolia trees sprinkle their milky petals of peachy pinkness onto your suburban streets, like over sized confetti trimming your romantic perambulations with sickly sweet floral scents, your streets become ceremonial wedding aisles that temporarily promise optimism and hope after a long dark and lonesome winter. Spring of course with its connotations of love and copulation is a traditional time for weddings though it is of the talk of one in particular that drifts across the parlours and terraces of London this year; the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Katherine Middleton.

The celebration of heterosexual love within ones community is on the surface a pleasing and optimistic carnival of support for a usually young couple embarking on their heterosexual life together, whichever the coupling the wedding party tittle-tattle will disparage or encourage the holy union depending on their allegiance though when it comes to the marriage of royalty a whole new level of debate ensues. In this case the population of the world becomes the wedding party all with their own idiosyncratic ill-informed opinions and objections.

The notion of the royal family is an understandable one, one that lies at the heart of humanities societal structure from small tribal societies where one ‘elder’ was esteemed into a position of authority and whose forefathers where respected for being related to that esteemed individual. The idea of the Royal Family has the potential to operate as a positive ideal to your cretinous masses, and symbolically lead your society’s values internationally.

Though historically this Royal Family is symbolic of the violent pillaging and brutal reallocation of wealth and resources from continents across the globe from Africa to the Americas the United Kingdom has unceremoniously been responsible for depleting the peaceful of their natural treasures from diamonds to wildlife. The creation of the Commonwealth in the name of Queen Victoria is truly the shame of Britain, from the quite insensitive renaming of Lake Ukerewe to Lake Victoria by the Victorian explorer John Hanning Speke symbolising perfectly the disregard for the native population and its history.

Dallas Seitz, In Search for Lake Victoria, Carter Presents, London, Preview April 8th

Elizabeth Regina, 2011 160cm x 25cm Air dried clay, stain, porcelain commemorative plate, MDF plinth.

A subject expertly explored in the forthcoming exhibition of Dallas Seitz at Carter Presents, London (preview Friday 8th April)

This legacy reluctantly forgotten by the world has enabled the current Royal Family to be transformed into sweet doddering old ladies and sweet doddering old men, who go on to create a new generation of sweet doddering young ladies and sweet doddering young men. Gluttonous from their pillaged wealth the royal family not only use the inherited riches of their looting to recline in their palaces they have consistently charged you for the privilege of their existence.

They seldom have the capacity to represent themselves as anything other than a dysfunctional family. They rarely embody any notion or ideal of glamour. Where once they were able to maintain a sense of mystique, they are now as much paparazzi fodder as your dullard celebrities.

Inevitably armies of tea towel touters, commemorative cup creators and perfunctory plate procurers produce endless quantities of tat. You blindly and obediently march to purchase the palace’s merchandise, paying over the odds for whichever tickles your fancy goods eye. And so you quite literally buy into the notion of this celebration which is already costing you much. Your Englishmen’s Castles are then filled to the turrets with Royal Memorabilia; residuals of reigns, past current and future.

Though My Darlings I do not wish this young couple ill; Prince William has had his troubles and of course I would be a cold heartless harridan if my cockles were not warmed by this ‘jolly hockey sticks’ young couple, Prince William after all had the misfortune of being born into this dysfunctional dynasty, and Katherine must be truly in love with this royal simpleton if she is willing to sacrifice her anonymity for riches beyond her wildest dreams. If you in your ignorance choose to celebrate with a street or tea party I sincerely hope it goes swimmingly, and I wholeheartedly wish them well.

Much Love Ms Coco LaVerne X

Oscar, Hitler and the King

2011-02-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, it is the day after the Oscars and alas there were no real surprises amongst the winners. Colin Firth won best actor in ‘The King’s Speech’ a conventionally themed British regal biopic that continues to perpetuate the rather dated notion that the British Isles is mainly populated with royalist nostalgia obsessed conservatives. This of course does well in the U.S of A as it confirms their contrasting idealised position that Americans are forward thinking futurists, destined to lead humanity to Utopia and the British are tweed wearing lords from history desperately clinging to its past glories.

Natalie Portman won for her splendidly comedic performance in the hilariously deluded, superficially deep comment on the artistic practice; ‘Black Swan’. This film that contained some of the most clichéd scenes in cinematic history has amazed, beguiled and impressed most, but I remain perplexed as to why. It’s dalliances with surrealism were laughable at best, though I expect to some ‘WHORE’ being daubed on a mirror with red lipstick would be a shocking and horrific incident, to your wondrous servant nothing would be more amusingly trite and ineffective as a sign of psychological breakdown.

Most of the coverage of The Oscars as usual centres around the rather bland gowns (aside from the elegant Cate Blanchett’s bravely controversial one) and inoffensive acceptance speeches, the most shocking news was that the winning best supporting actress said ‘Fuck’ on the Academy stage; this to you is no more shocking than waking up with a hangover and grazed knees after a night out at your local hostelry.

However controversy has surrounded the gown choice of the demurely pregnant Natalie Portman who chose to jettison her previously selected Galliano gown due to Mr Galliano’s behaviour in Paris at the weekend. His anti-semitic rant aimed at fellow diners at a Parisian cafe appears to be the result of the over-consumption of alcohol and unfortunately for him, despite his claims of innocence where documented via mobile phone and subsequently published on-line, though he appears to be so inebriated that a full film crew with lights and sound could have filmed his tirade and he would have been none the wiser. Galliano proclaimed his love for Hitler and went on to clumsily suggest that these non-Jewish diner's parents should have been gassed during the Second World War.

What this sorry display unfortunately reveals is what lies at the heart of this eccentric is a hatred that belies his motivations. Has Galliano accidentally revealed that an industry created for the pursuit and creation of external beauty damages and erodes the true understanding of the internal strife of humanity? To see a creative man so involved with beautifying the world ejaculate such poisonous bile on to the cobbled streets of the fashion capital of the world demeans himself and the industry he represents. Alas his willingness to describe his dining neighbours as ‘ugly’ not only perpetuates the unfortunate and often misleading link with misogyny that mistakenly can be associated with so many gay men, it also reveals that he is perhaps unsurprisingly obsessed with external beauty; his own botox use and make-up aside.

My Dearest Darlings, beauty to me is the pursuit of knowledge, the understanding of compassion all with the perpetual use of good manners. Make-up and gowns and all the accoutrements of fashion merely decorate the beauty you are. Without this inner scaffold you are simply porcelain copies of a person, delicate, fragile and ultimately breakable. Unfortunately it seems that John Galliano has focused on the external for far too long and has forgotten what it takes to be a true gentleman. Perhaps he will take this opportunity to reflect on his motivations and behaviour and enable himself to become a reflection of the beautiful things he creates rather than a dark and disturbing contrast to it.

Love as Always Ms Coco LaVerne x

News Justin!

2011-02-17T12:10:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, Once again the serpent’s head of your reactionary press has arisen! Justin Bieber has been interviewed in Rolling Stone Magazine, in this interview he appears to have used his words rather clumsily and may have given the impression that he despises abortion and considers homosexuality a life choice rather than a reflection of your inherent desires. After briefly reading the broader context of this interview on-line it seems that some of the journalists that write for sensationalist publications have rather unkindly forced this pubescent into the stocks. This poor little multi-millionaire will no doubt be harangued until his delicate little frame buckles under the stress. The point of course is not whether these are in fact his views but if it is wise to have such a young and impressionable mega star scrutinised whilst he scuttles around the star studded universe to form the opinions that will no doubt influence his millions of little girl fans.

The majority of the interview appears to over flow with rather prurient inquiries into his ‘type’ of girl, with his management proclaiming him to be ‘girl crazy’. This of course is designed to misdirect the reader and his little girl audience from the eternal question facing all new male recruits into the hallowed halls of fame, the salacious question of his burgeoning sexuality, the fact that little Bieber was even asked about his opinions on homosexuality reveals this subtext. The fact that this young man has already launched a cosmetic range selling nail varnish to teenagers and writing frivolous little pop songs may to some, seem rather ‘sissy’ hence the managements inclination to create smoke screens of heterosexual virility for all to see, even if this boy is still just sixteen.

And so begins the creation and subsequent destruction of another personality.

Much Love Ms Coco LaVerne

Worthless!

2011-02-09T03:51:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, The beauty industry has been mainly concerned with the manipulation of the female species, praying on the apparent notion that women must remain as nubile, svelte and pretty as possible at all times. TV adverts depict wistful images of wondrous women in well lit usually domestic environments with an inexplicable window left ajar in order to visually echo the wind machine aesthetic of the ubiquitous pop video. Perfectly quaffed tresses frame the airbrushed faces of the female, fictitiously depicting fifty year olds with lineless masks.

This reflects the preordained domain that women should inhabit even in this age of work place juggling. Women are still shown best at home passively pampering themselves with potions and lotions to resist the effects of ‘Father Time’. Women in this context are encouraged to adopt an ethereal collection of contemporary mystical spells, indirectly perpetuating the female connection with the mystical in order to maintain physical perfection, these ‘Witches of Salem’ are encouraged to freeze time to hold back the effects of a polluted world. Calls to challenge the onset of the aging process are littered with terms of resistance and holding back, defence and anti-gravity, magical methodologies like “Super Soft”, “Youth Code” and “Boost of Youthfulness” just some of the strap-lines of L’Oreal’s products.

Smiling luscious emotional beings laugh in the face of nature reaffirming to your fellow sisters that you are all ‘worth it’, suggesting that to allow age to show on your face reflects a self that is indeed worthless; women therefore by default are only ‘worth it’ if they choose to show willingness to make themselves pretty for men to gaze upon. Indeed even fellow sisters chastise those that let themselves go; suggesting that to give up the fight against time is a betrayal of your sister’s requirement to massage various chemicals into the face. As women are depicted elegantly and passively swishing their perfectly tousled tresses in order to attract a male mate, men until recently have not needed to make such facial augmentations.

The relatively new age defying men’s cosmetic ranges, in particular L’Oreal’s ‘Men Expert’ range and ensuing advertising campaign for ‘Hydra- Energetic, Anti-Fatigue’utilises the rugged unshaven handsomeness of Gerard Butler, “Look sharp, not tired, enough said” is the strap for this line, hinting at a no-nonsense emotion free practicality. This television advert depicts Butler riding motorcycles, seducing women, and playing poker, where tired eyes would create a horrifying ‘tell’. Men share their knowledge of science and technology, men are depicted having real lives outside of the domestic realm, cannily traversing the urban realm with a muscular frame and a thrusting heterosexuality emphasised to such an extent it almost becomes a pastiche of masculinity. Men are depicted heroically at war against the brutalities of ‘Mother Nature’.

The overriding message of course is to downplay what you all suspect of the man who dares to take care of his appearance, the worst fate of a modern man even now where in a world where Hollywood heart throbs deny their true desires, a world were stars who dare to be honest regret it. This narrow and limiting version of masculinity is just as offensive as the narrow depiction of femininity, as women are only ‘worth it’ if they have long hair and air brushed faces and men are only ‘worth it’ if they’re muscular, heterosexual heroic play boys riding huge vibrating machines and hopping from one bed to the next. And so continues the battle of the female enchantress and the male warrior in the battle for attractiveness and virility.

Much Love Ms Coco LaVerne

The Beautiful Shame

2011-02-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, it will undoubtedly come as no surprise whatsoever to you that Ms Coco LaVerne is not a fan of football. You may very well inexplicably adore the sport, you may endlessly speculate on the minutiae of each match and player formation, you perhaps even attend the occasional game, you may scuttle to your flag emblazoned homes to merrily view the endless television broadcasts that are forever pumped over the airwaves filled with ex-footballing pundits that insist on speculating and chastising the methodologies of this camel coated manager, or that.

This pursuit though utterly unappealing to my good self is an activity that you are entitled to, in itself anything that keeps your ruddy ignorant little faces glued to a television and out of sight somewhere is a welcome side effect of this cultural obsession. However the sheer number of fans that litter the urban landscape post and pre-match is an unfortunate reality that forever sends your wondrous commentator into a downward spiral of utter and all consuming lightless despair, I can barely halt the pure black bile that begs for evacuation when the mindless yobs that admittedly reflect the minority of football fans insist on howling their animalistic ear curdling support for whichever football club they are enamoured by.

Recently two Sky Television sports pundits quite exquisitely revealed the true breadth of their intelligence by objectifying and flippantly mocking a brave young woman who dared to enter the sacred world of testosterone and Lynx body spray to referee a football match. The recent furore surrounding this wonderfully stupid display reveals perfectly how threatened this masculine universe is. As mind numbingly dull and vomit inducing fellow broadcasters jumped to their defence to claim that they were ‘only joking’ and to ‘lay off’ these thoroughly decent chaps, somewhere a young woman’s hope of equality faded. Somewhere a thoroughly confused and blank eyed bimbo opted for a breast enhancement operation. Somewhere a young boy’s stereotypical views on women’s liberation became more deeply entrenched. For as these pundit’s stupidity is superficially punished the fact remains that footballers and the lifestyle they represent is esteemed and glorified to all.

An original complaint? No! Depressingly true? Alas, Yes.

For those of you that are willing and somehow able to insert the enjoyment of football into a full and complex life brimming with intellectual stimulation and exploration, Ms Coco LaVerne remains forever confused by your motivations.

Much Love Ms Coco LaVerne

Let Them Eat Cake!

2011-02-01T07:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Lost Darlings, much like a destitute mother abandoning her new born baby in a dilapidated doorway in a harrowing howl of despair: Ms Coco LaVerne turned her formidable attention away from your infantile and suffocating demands. Momentarily this Goddess was smothered by your inability to act as sentient intelligent beings; she was overwhelmed by your fumbling faltering failings, by your perpetual persistent and perfectly formed pathetic presence on this planet! Your Ms Coco LaVerne, much like the fictitious comments infamously made by Queen Marie Antoinette, suggested that you wallow in your self-made mire without empathy for the context of your sanguineous suffering. She allowed you to wander in the woeful wilderness, frozen and alone.

Despite this apparent disregard for your well-being Ms Coco LaVerne was constantly aware of your existence, of the tittle-tattle that distracted you from self exploration and improvement. Though aware of her extremely few limitations; in a dramatic turn of her six inch heels, Ms Coco LaVerne is committing her most wondrous self to assist you once more. However on this newly regenerated blog amongst blogs Ms Coco LaVerne will not be alone, Ms LaVerne is in the midst of gathering helpful minions, enabling their tiny insignificant voices a glamorous location to be heard.

These ‘LaVernians’ will offer their burgeoning wisdoms on this very blog. Carefully selected chosen commentators will have the honour of frequently offering their articles for your perusal, others will be deemed worthy of just one miraculous appearance. Some of you may wish to be welcomed into the arms of this esteemed grouping, to be associated with Ms Coco LaVerne will be an honour you dare to dream, a plaudit that seems beyond your limited abilities, though this assumption may not be true. Ms Coco LaVerne is reincarnated as a humble servant to your good selves, as a guardian to your feeble minded musings on the world in which you live.

Are you worthy of such reward?

Much Belated Love Ms Coco LaVerne

Dark Forces!

2010-04-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

A charming face of the Catholic Church

My Dearest Darlings, political correctness is something of a broad and well disguised mine field with combustible clusters of incendiary devices set to obliterate the dumb founded at a moment’s notice scattering the limbs of the mentally challenged across a field quickly drenched with the blood of the unintelligent. Not only are the privileged few often too ignorant to refrain from making obscene and offensive remarks to the less better off the goal posts on this field of nightmares constantly shift and move making the uninterested unable and often unwilling to contemplate compromise of any sort.

The recent controversy surrounding the Papal visit to Britain is practically dripping with hypocrisy just a couple of weeks ago Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone a senior aide to Pope Benedict suggested that research revealed a proven a link between paedophilia and homosexuality a statement so devastatingly ridiculous that it would be laughable if weren’t taken so seriously by the worlds media. As a result whole gamuts of the dim witted will have the heinous association perpetuated in their tiny minds, making it even more difficult for the young and confused to become full and well rounded versions of their true gay selves for a fear of being associated with the sick and twisted sexual exploitation of your young and innocent children.

The right minded quickly reacted with outrage though with little effect, the church remains a citadel at the heart of your culture despite its many outrageous comments and actions, from protecting the various priests that abuse your children from blaming the degradation of human kind on any of the actions that many of you regularly indulge in from sex before marriage to the use of condoms.

A recent ‘joke’ e-mail accidentally released by a civil service employee to the media suggested that the popes forthcoming visit be made up of various inappropriate activities far removed from the popes chosen duties including singing a duet with the queen, opening an abortion clinic and relaeasing a papal brand of condoms. True to form the Catholic Church threatened to pull out of the visit to Britain due to the huge offense caused by a ludicrously minor furore created by such a memo. Forcing a David Milliband to make a ‘grovelling’ apology! An aide to the pope said that ‘dark forces’ were at work in the British government. Ironic? Yes!

And so it goes on, those in positions of power haggle over who compromises, losing all humour in the process, when it really matters those sweeping generalisations made by the organisations in the world barely register the damage that is done. In your ‘push-me-pull-you’ society goes on and on and it is those that shout the loudest who win the battle of righteousness! A battle that no one will win. A battle that alas whilst power struggles continue will dominate your society and result in you all coming completely undone! I do not to struggle as I know of my strength and beauty though I do not need to persuade and cajole or demean and undermine those that surround me; I am simply content in my magnificence! You simply do as you wish, just allow me to do as I wish!

With Love Ms Coco LaVerne x

Eruption Disruption!

2010-04-19T04:40:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, I have been an absent friend, busily focusing on other important projects that I suspect would be far from your limited interests, suffice it to say that if and when your attention is required I shall endeavour to inform you, those astute of you will already know the lengths that I go to, to exist in this world of indifference and lethargy though despite myself I intend on returning to your world.

Since my absence many stories have filtered through to my mysterious and luxurious haven, some new popular figures have reared their heads, some worthy of mention others of course, not!

Currently the media is focused on one main story; the volcanic Icelandic ash cloud drifting over Europe has dominated the airwaves, filling the airspace the planes have left with mundane stories of augmented travel arrangements. It is admittedly a hugely significant incident the streak free blue skies of London momentarily devoid of noise and pollution. As thousands of you heroically taxi your way across Spain or sail from coast to coast you may begin to ponder the possibility of a world areoplane free! What a shock this would be to your life styles, no more weekend breaks overseas no more cheap air travel at the expense of the planet. I wonder the effects to the environment such a hiatus of air flight may have. I would imagine it can only be a good thing, unsurprisingly the only way the media can quantify such loss of plane travel is through a expense, a million pounds a minute is being lost to the economy, and the poor air line companies are taking the velvet lined designer caps to the government seeking hand outs to help them deal with this ‘Act of God’!

I have no sympathy for the multinational companies that have milked the masses for gargantuan profits, I have no sympathy for those of you rich enough to hop to foreign shores to sun your bloated bodies on sun drenched beaches littered with lobster red star worshippers. I have no sympathy for those of you that have dragged your toddlers across ponds and oceans simply to brag to your friends and neighbours that you have taken little Tarquin or Tabatha on their first foreign trip; a boast that simply validates your identities as sophisticates or culture vultures consumed with ticking off this or that land mark of your global ‘to-do’ lists.

It amuses me that luxury has become so common place that as soon as it is threatened you are all panicked into hysteria, a hysteria based on decades of molly coddling. Spare a thought I ask you for all the aid missions to Haiti that now barely make the news, all the key workers often volunteering abroad! As usual it is the ‘plight’ of the middle classed that makes headlines not the life and death struggles of those non-white peoples in foreign climes.

In the meantime enjoy your jet stream free summer skies in your relative luxury whilst the millions abroad struggle to feed their own.

With Much Love Ms Coco LaVerne x

With Love from Me to You!..

2009-11-01T07:06:00.000-08:00

The Letter below is to be read as part of this event, at the James Taylor Gallery in London Especially written for the attending audience the sentiments can easily be transferred to you my dear readers. The letter will be read in my absence by the beautiful Cinzia Cremona.

"My Dear Sweet Darlings, I send you this letter from my lofty locale with the intention of communicating my heartfelt affection for you. The select and precious few here now present are hoping to learn more about the nature of love. Love is a complex and contradictory conundrum which baffles and befuddles even the most academic and enlightened of you.

Some theorists have supposed that what is needed to maintain a true and unending love is the temporary suspension of your mutual disgust. It is this cunning trick of evolution that enables you to ignore the hideous deformities that undoubtedly fester on the faces of your nearest and dearest, this temporary suspension of clarity enables you to fornicate wildly to the point of climax whilst happily overlooking the repugnance of your lover.

Though the admiration I have for you is not the base lust of body and form but of a higher love for your deeply buried and mysterious potential, I am miraculously able to ignore the filth of your cities, that over flow with the wrappings of the endless junk that you greedily stuff into your gaping mouths. I do not gaze upon your pavements which are smeared with the faeces of your canine companions. Your track-suited offspring that run a muck; spreading hate through your crumbling streets do not attract my attention. I can forgive the minority of you that are filled with hate and anger and rage as I see that this is the opposite of your truest selves.

Instead in my distant remoteness I am able to see you clearly, more clearly than you see yourselves. The mundane and banal details of your life do not interest me, I only see the fullness of your potential, I see only the gleaming possibility shining from your curious eyes. I in my unending wisdom am able to turn my head away from the innumerable base functions of your bestial selves and instead gaze upon the purity that you once possessed.

In listening to these words written by an embodiment of glamour that you can barely comprehend you must wonder what you have done to deserve such generosity from such a distant and beautiful soul. All you really need to know is that I am a better version of you. I have insight and knowledge of your world that can only be gleaned by being desired and vilified simultaneously. I have been celebrated and chastised by your sickening culture and as a result am able to view your world from within and above.

I am Ms Coco LaVerne a fledgling glamour-puss and international Icon ready willing and able to bring back beauty and purity of heart. Despite my overwhelming revulsion for the human race I suspect that you are amongst the few illuminated souls who seek solace in the knowledge that you are now, no longer alone. I hope that with my unending and sincerest love I will enable you to take control, aspire to be more, to be more beautiful, to be more elegant, as I believe that to be true personifications of humanity one must project an image of serenity and calm, of wisdom and harmony, of understanding and tolerance.

My Dearest Darlings, believe that despite your many patent fallibilities and your occasional indifference that I, Ms Coco LaVerne will be a constant unyielding source of wisdom, tolerance and support.

With Love the Incredible Ms Coco LaVerne."

Occasionally Words are Unnecessary!

2009-10-23T09:07:00.001-07:00

Nick Griffin

The Gately Issue

2009-10-22T04:49:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, Stephen Gately's untimely passing and the reaction to this unfortunate event has caused a colossal furore in the press, a controversy that you could hardly have missed, based mainly on the rather inappropriate musings of Jan Moir; the dissection of which I shall spare you, as I am sure by now you have all patronised the Daily Mail's website and read the piece for yourself. Unlike you, it does not surprise Ms Coco LaVerne that the Daily Mail chooses to employ those that are slightly less gifted than I in the commentaries of your culture, though to you it seems like a 'slap in the face' that a well known conservative newspaper chooses to promote conservative views.

Ms Moir naturally defends her words and promises that she is not a homophobe though of course these matters are not that simple. The article reveals ignorance and is guilty of huge sweeping generalisations, which are distasteful and perhaps even offensive though the reaction to it's content has been undoubtedly fuelled by Twitter and FaceBook which has enabled an unprecedented amount of complaints. Complaints that would hardly have arisen if on-line petitions were not so easy to contribute to.

The problem with a dominant largely white heteronormative society is that anything outside of it appears to transcend what is considered the 'norm'. The ignorance her article demonstrates is that your own popular culture is fundamentally unable to comment on any version of 'the other' intelligently. In her article Ms Moir infers that to be gay is by default somehow sleazy and unnatural. She of course forgets the sexual objectification of women for millennia by heterosexual culture, she forgets the overwhelming majority of 'sleazy' abuses and insults on your world that have been initiated by the heterosexual white male powers that continue to dominate your civilisation.

She surmises that something sexually provocative was going on in the apartment in which Gately died, and this lifestyle in some way was to blame for this young man's death as if deviance from the norm should be punishable by death. Your culture is so hypocritical that it chooses to punish the members of it that visibly transcend the 'norm' despite the fact that those that are included in this 'norm' are far more likely to be associated with scandalous and immoral behaviour, a mere glance at the numerous scandals of the members of your parliament would be testament to a supposed 'sleazy' lifestyle. Though an M.P.s scandal does not result in the demonisation of heterosexuality rather an attack on the party to which they are affiliated. There are undoubtedly some 'sleazy' gay men whose debauched lifestyle would shock the most unshakable, though this is just as true of any group. The heterosexual practice of so-called 'dogging' has not created a surreptitious campaign against all straight men. It has not thrown into question the institution of marriage. Though a couple of high profile and unfortunate endings to gay civil partnerships has garnered much questioning due to it's new and problematic position in your society.

I do not blame you for your lack of complex thinking on this issue as I realise complex thinking is not your most prominent of traits. Though the reaction to Ms Moir's article also raises one of my perfectly formed eyebrows in your direction: it seems that the liberal left have conveniently jumped on the chastisement bandwagon in regards to this particular display of veiled homophobia. Though It is not simply the insidious and subtle homophobia that has been the cause of this frenzy, the main motivation for the demonstration against this unpleasant article has been your fetish for the 'sacred' celebrity. Unless a celebrity is involved other everyday forms of homophobia go unnoticed from the unfortunate appropriation of the new meaning of 'Gay' (equalling crap) to the apparently harmless suggestion that all gay men are fascinated by interior design and Liza Minelli and that all lesbians are dungaree wearing pool players. These damaging stereotypes perpetuate reductive ideas of homosexuality which create a climate in which homophobia can flourish. Non-Celebrity gay men and women around the world continue to be brutally murdered as a result of their sexuality though this rather unpalatable truth barely makes your news headlines, as this shocking reality conflicts with the modern notion that the liberal elite have rather cleverly created a smug and beautiful world of acceptance and tolerance.

Those that continue to believe in this liberal propaganda believe that ill-informed and out-dated assumptions regarding gay lifestyles of their perhaps loved gay friends and relatives do not damage, as the world is at last safe for 'The Gay'. The truth is, that gathering any 'type' together reduces all members of that group to a stereotype, a simplification which reduces complex individual members of communities to the most simplest of readings.

The only benefit of this sorry saga is that perhaps debates on the complexities of prejudice can take place.

My advice is do not read the Daily Mail.

Much Love Ms Coco LaVerne x

The Children

2009-10-06T06:17:00.000-07:00

(Above) Bettina von Zwehl: Profiles III No 4 © Bettina von Zwehl

My Dearest Darlings, I have noticed a problem with your perception of childhood. This is not the same perception that I have noticed before when speaking about Britney Spears and her precocious sexuality though this most recent diagnostic has been sparked by a furore surrounding the recently opened 'Pop Life' exhibition at Tate Modern. The controversy surrounding the Richard Prince piece 'Spiritual America' may have passed some of you by, though the story has been covered world-wide both in the print media and on-line. The piece is described as a 'rephotograph' of an earlier photo by Garry Gross who for some reason best known to himself chose to depict this particular ten year old girl in a disturbingly sexual way: Naked, emerging from a bath with a face full of bordello style make-up the image is truly unsettling. Resembling a chimera of child and adult the image is seared onto my mind like a griddle to a steak. Disgust and abhorrence the only response I can muster.

Though this physical reaction to what can only be described as sanctioned paedophilia in the context of art is and should be challenged by the society that creates it and I have formed some suppositions regarding this image. Unsurprisingly the work has been removed from the exhibition to which it belonged, as it was seen to contravene decency laws. The ensuing scandal has led to outrage from most factions and as usual the easiest conclusions have been jumped to. Many right-wing commentaries are suggesting that art should not dabble and flirt with such material and should be limited to the exploration of beauty and pleasantness. The left perhaps rightly claiming that this censorship prevents exploration of complex and sensitive issues. As it is Art is potentially the last vestige able and willing to explore any issue beyond that which lies beyond the limitations of your mainstream media. Ironically the outrage expressed has possibly exposed this image to many more than would have ever seen it, thus the intended protection garnered by the removal of the actual photograph has created a new interest in this most alarming of sights.

Aside from the obvious issue of the glamorisation of paedophilia the image starkly emphasises the inability your culture has to discuss childhood without hysteria. From my position your children seem able to sit in just a few stereotypical positions, either they are gun-toting, knife-yielding yobs, precocious sexualised teenagers or at constant risk from herds of paedophiles and bogey-men. This over-exaggerated and media sensationalist 'risk' has warped your notion of childhood and has compromised the experience your children have in their journey to adulthood.

Your children are lost, when once a child lived in quiet awe around the 'grown-ups' they have become unable to comprehend the once ubiquitous respect that was once denoted to the adult world. The obvious reason for this problem is that your lily-livered liberal left and woeful and decrepit working classes have ordained your children with responsibilities far beyond the capabilities of their barely formed minds. It is impossible to avoid your tiny tots being asked to offer their opinions on the most mundane of subjects, to their preferred menu items in a restaurant to the political complexities of when best to leave a social engagement. When once a child ate when it was told, and obediently followed it's carers from here to there, now they are at the centre of their tiny universe. What's wrong with that? I hear you bellow, well the problem with that is that these children develop no respect for the mystery of how to behave in the modern world, they are not encouraged to consider the opinions of anyone other than themselves and this results in a total and complete lack of respect for society and it's adult members. You have deemed your child as master, as centre of your broken world. (Above)Hollie Steel breaks down crying half-way through her song on the final show of Britain's Got Talent

This has led to a dismantling of children's position in society. Your children perceive themselves as mini-versions of you, and expect to gain the same privileges you do. This of course leads to younger and younger 'tweenies' making demands on a culture that they do not understand and it is at this point that these vulnerable and precious youngsters are catapulted into your culture. Demanding sexual liberation and instant fame on whatever reality TV show. They are all of your ambition without any of your humanity. They are all you desire without any of your maturity. And so these once tiny bundles of joy become tight knots of confusion, desperate to please the greedy adults that are so keen to exploit their inappropriate goals.

The image of Brooke Shields is this twisted desire incarnate irrespective of the obvious sexual element the photograph reveals the cultural destruction of childhood. In contrast to this is the striking work of Bettina von Zwehl (top) currently on view at V&A's Childhood Museum, these large format photographic prints create two dimensional monuments to your babies, free of sexual allusion the one year old's are depicted as astute and sentient potential adults in the context of a museum of childhood these images seem all the more poignant in a place that attests to the preciousness of your children without sensationalist sexual or prurient connotation.

So My Darlings treat your children as children dissuade them from premature development, you may believe this is impossible in today's media saturated mire but each of you has a responsibility to protect and educate your offspring in the complexities and pitfalls of society without perpetuating the warped views of the media that constructs it.

Much Love Ms Coco LaVerne x

London Fashion the Weak

2009-09-22T06:06:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, it has been far too long since my last post, I of course humbly beg for your forgiveness though I suspect many of you have failed to notice my absence instead you sensed an inexplicable lacunae in your life that remained unchallenged until now, now at last you can read my words of wisdom, which return to fill your life with insight and astuteness. You are at last able to once again bathe in my glory, a glory that alas most of you are still unable to comprehend. It is true that without my awesome ability to explain and reveal the complexities of contemporary culture and the hidden meanings there in, you are left dumb, completely unaware of the drivel that is violently stuffed into your eyes and ears day in, day out.

It is uncharacteristic of me to reveal anything of my biography to you my Dearest Darlings though in this case I shall inform you of one small detail, that may explain this sudden sabbatical, an absence that you no doubt have learned to resent or even fear. I have left a beautiful misty jewel in the north of England, the location that created me, that nurtured my earliest exploits and adventures, a location that still holds dear affection and warmth for this particular glamour puss. Unlike many that depart the birth place of the Industrial revolution I shall not chastise it's weather or colloquial nature, I shall not mock it or compare it harshly with my new location.

Of course perhaps inevitably my new home is the city of London. Yes, London so culturally dominant so greedy of new talent and media attention. Resting at the bottom of the British Isles the population appears to drift towards the capital like settling sediment on the dark sea bed. Like a siren the city seduces those that settle into a reverie of delight and self-congratulation. The survivors of this metropolis emit an arrogance which masks a desperate plight for acceptance, once big fish drifting in small ponds now find themselves minnows in the Atlantic Ocean, swimming maniacally against the currents to find a reef in which to slumber.

Perhaps it is the overrated state of importance of this beautiful city that imbues it's inhabitants with an exaggerated sense of self worth that is at the heart of the malady of Londoners both native and refugee. The ill placed bravado of the population of London however masks the same existential angst that you all suffer, the same insecurities, the same paranoias, the same infantile need to be loved and cherished. Such a large population echoes a monstrous family around a vast dinner table all scream and bicker to get the hearty portion they feel they deserve, each insignificant sibling fearful of neglect: This deluded perception and fear is manifested in many inappropriate and inelegant behaviours; Neanderthal aggression, drunken gluttony, excessive vanity and childish pride all seep from those easily seduced by self-doubt and insecurity.

Luckily for you I am immune to such fripperies I shall remain unflappable, unshaken by the superficial, unmoved by the immoral. I as always will endeavour to communicate my sincerest contemplations on modern culture and hope to reveal the sickening hypocrisies of your world irrespective of location. I am after all interested in the globe and in the tragedy of humanity and it's failure to find contentment in an ever more complex environment. My task to highlight the beautiful and glamorous in a world of putrid decomposing foulness in which most of you continue to exist without even the faintest murmur or complaint.

With Love Ms Coco LaVerne x

The Strong Arm

2009-08-07T07:15:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, I've written about Madonna before, click here to contextualise the below.... Once again the press have chosen to focus on Madonna though this time on the muscularity of her arms. The photograph above has featured on many of the tatty rags you purchase and is an unusual depiction of femininity, a femininity at odds with most of your own. Though to me what is interesting about this attention on the limbs of this undeniable Icon is what it reveals about the motivation of your sick and twisted culture.

For the male person in your culture strength is desired, preferred, celebrated, be it physical, mental or social. All versions of strength are it seems preserved for your menfolk. Indeed a man lacking in such qualities is apparently repugnant, a perversion of what masculinity should be. Homophobia is an obvious incarnation of this hatred, it is no coincidence that for any man to display what are considered to be feminine traits results in an endless stream of cultural hate and derision directed at the male daring enough to turn away from what maleness is intended to be.

It is no surprise then that when a woman of power chooses to embody such qualities of strength that your mostly male and occasionally female journalists are thrown into a version of hysteria. All around it is possible to hear that gasps at these daring images of Madonna who is apparently transgressing the natural personification of femininity, obediently you insist on expressing shock and even disgust at the audacity of a female display of physical strength.

The irony is that most of you teeter on the precipice of insecurity about how various parts of your body choose to move or not move. The desired physical condition appears to be a caricature of womanhood. The mythology perpetuated by your media is a simultaneously curvaceous voluptuousness woman who is immobile, hard and unwavering. A hardness that is impossible to achieve, most women gently quiver whilst they walk this is a normal female attribute, though in your contradictory notions of femaleness you battle the slightest bulge, the gentlest of undulation. All is a striving for perfectly solid impossible roundness attainable only on the immobile images of your magazines, which are airbrushed and tweaked beyond recognition.

This desire for hard unforgiving surface could be attributed to the objects your surround yourself with, your black mobile phones and silver laptops are contemporary objects of desire, they bring you closer to your loved ones through a filter of tough plastics and aluminium, a rigid cold relationship which enables you to momentarily cross distance and bridge gaps until you once again access the soft embrace of an actual human being made from glowing flesh, yellow fat and darkest marrow.

So as most of you embark on the futile pursuit of the impossible reality of perfect artificial hardness you chastise and mock Madonna who has achieved the goal and apparently taken it too far. She has left the acceptable and delicate domain of the female and entered the male universe of strength and power both physically and professionally she is a personification of control and empowerment something that you still are threatened by and fail to understand.

So My Darlings let the men be soft and the women be hard, be free to undulate and waver do not allow your complex and contradictory culture prevent you from being the version of the gender you wish to be.

With Love The Amazing Ms Coco LaVerne x

Gossip Girl!

2009-07-24T14:48:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings well it seems to have been a good day for the famous to be found not guilty of various wrong doings, of course I know not of the details though I'm sure the extortionately expensive and prized legal teams had nothing to do with both Amy Winehouse and some footballer being found completely innocent of bad behaviour. It is good for them to have their treasured reputations returned to them after such humiliating public trial.

I expect that most of you have absolutely nothing note worthy to speak of so rumour and speculation probably pass you by, that is a joy of course as to be the subject of idle tittle tattle is a frightful bore. Though for some reason you are all obsessed with gossip, the comings and goings, ins and outs of all the Z-list glitteratti keep you buried in whatever rag you choose to spend your pathetically small wage packets on, though this I expect is just a rather troubling and occasionally sickening extension of concern, a concern that probably originated from the small tribal villages that you all evolved in. There about two hundred people lived in mud huts and language developed to aid the sharing of information and form family bonds that helped your growing species through difficult times thus securing the human race as the most dominant on the planet. As cultures and technologies grew so did your settlements from villages to towns to the Metropolis that I write in now. And so your communities became fractured and splintered beyond recognition and you as individuals felt bereft of your village, so now you create your own virtual villages filled with fictional players you'll never meet.

I suppose that to chat about the famous does distract you from the true meaning of life, something that few of you even consider. Much better to discuss the drunkenness of Amy Winehouse than to actually think about anything significant or profound. So you drift aimlessly through life worrying about who is doing what or wearing what simply to turn your rotting minds away from the existential horror of humanity.

So My Darlings I urge you to focus your dwindling intellects on things of a more serious nature rather than be suffocated by speculation, conjecture and gossip. It really is rather bad form. The astute of you may consider this advice rather ill advised as most of these writings regard that of the well known, though my goal is always to question the motivations of such speculation. My writings are an attempt to nudge your solipsistic minds out of your voluntary comas.

With Love Ms Coco LaVerne x

Make LOVE not WAR!!

2009-07-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, sexuality is a deeply complex and personal issue, an issue I wouldn't dream of judging you on, as long as your love is between consenting adults what business is it of mine to judge you. In your world of hate and war and judgement and violence all that matters to Ms Coco LaVerne is that you can occasionally escape the horrors of your lonely existential angst and fall deeply in love with a befitting adult who loves your flawed and deplorable selves.

In London this weekend homosexuals gathered to celebrate Pride a festival which began as a political movement to end the decriminalisation of homosexuality, thankfully in most countries this battle has been won, though homophobia is rife and gay people are still kicked to the ground and killed for the propensity to love those of the same sex. So when the Bishop of Rochester asked this week for gay people to repent their sins he appears to be suggesting that a version of love that differs from his own is so abhorrent, that it should be associated with shame, repentance, despair and intolerance.

Alas the celebration of a sexuality may be an alienating idea to those not a member of that sexual preference. Questions of motivation and propensity fill the mind when sexuality is complex, though I, as you would expect allow you your preference whatever it may be, though my permission is as irrelevant as my opinion on what ice cream flavour you prefer. Those amongst you that judge others for their sexual propensities are in my esteemed opinion utterly devoid of even the slightest amount of intelligence.

And That My Loves is That!....

With Love Ms Coco LaVerne! x

Smooth Criminal?

2009-06-30T04:52:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, Last Thursday Michael Jackson died, you could hardly have escaped this news as channels across the globe continued to roll out endless speculation and commentary from anyone with even the most tenuous of links to this once legendary performer. As is the tendency when a famous individual passes the general public and media rush to canonise, proclaiming greatness and iconic status on the shoulders of the unworthy. Perhaps Michael Jackson's contribution to popular culture does justify such accolade, though the 'Elephant in the Room' remains.

This enigma was at his peak selling over sixty five million albums. But amongst the unquestionable popularity of his music this mysterious man's behaviour was peculiar and troubling even to his most ardent of fans. From inappropriate pet choices, to dozing in oxygen tents to his outrageous plastic surgeries, this man existed somehow outside of cultural normality. Catapulted to fame at a young age, his notion of self worth and identity where undoubtedly challenged and it is this early experience of global fame and his complex family experience that are widely believed to be the cause of his strange persona.

His eccentric behaviour challenged the norm but most controversially accusations of child abuse remain entwined with this figures biography. Though this persists simply as a minor footnote amongst the rapidly paling skin, incredible shrinking nose and recent promises of a fifty gig marathon at London's 02 Arena. Mr Jackson spent years and millions side-stepping various accusations of indecency with children and miraculously managed to avoid the kind of retribution a mere mortal could have not escaped. Any right thinking parent would not allow their naked pubescent sons to be jettisoned into the home of a middle aged man, though it seems that the weak are so impressed by fame and fortune that all proper judgement rapidly evaporates.

What is clear is that Michael Jackson lacked the sort of moral compass that even the most stupid of you become familiar with. If normal run of the mill 'you' decided to construct a child's playground and ask local children round to play and have a sleep-over, most of your peers would rush to call the nearest child protection agency, though the parasitic entourage of the rich and famous may simply raise an eyebrow and dish out the ice-cream. Such is the twisted drive you have to mix with the legendary whatever the legendary may be engaging in. What is clear is that Michael Jackson abused himself to such an extent that he no longer bared even the slightest resemblance to the endearing child he once was. My speculation of his reasons for this outrageous metamorphoses are just as irrelevant as anyone's.

What is clear is that this apparently gifted individual full of promise and greatness continued to perform at huge cost to his own identity and well-being, this manifested in bizarre, inappropriate and irresponsible behaviour that should not be excused simply because of his contribution to music however great that music was. So as Michael Jackson's crumbling kingdom is scrabbled over repackaged and exploited by his nearest and dearest his legacy will not simply be his occasionally great music, but a lingering feeling of disquiet and unease, a sensation that has infected your culture regarding the motivations of all your men.

Michael Jackson was the first huge star accused of child abuse it catapulted the reality of child molestation into the mainstream and over the last few decades this apparent epidemic has associated men of all ages and sexualities with the foulness of abuse. This association forces men to question the most innocent hug or physical gesture to a child, be it son, or nephew or family friend the innocent non-sexual love of a child has been eroded, as a result children have less hugs and less affection from their loved ones, for currently the most innocent of adult male fears the accusation of inappropriate acts.

This is not simply due to Michael Jackson of course though the prurient exploration and sensationalist exaggeration of such tales has sold papers and continues to sell papers, and the press will continue to paint a picture of a globe filled with child molesters simply to sell more ill informed rags.

So My Dearest Darlings do not let the exaggerated tales of abuse tarnish the love of your children, a hug is a fundamental human need, a desire to feel close to another quietens the existential angst that is an inevitable and horrific component of your time on this God-forsaken planet.

As ever my thoughts are with the family of the bereaved.

Love the Amazing Coco LaVerne

The Vote

2009-06-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, This week is jam packed with demonstrations of the democratic process or so it would seem. Last weekend Britain's Got Talent, was not one won by Susan Boyle, it was only a matter of time before the putrid press turned on the woman, headlines on the days preceding the final depicted Ms Susan Boyle as a harridan, a banshee on the loose, a mad woman attacking police and the public with a deranged hate in her eyes. Her eccentric behaviour that once endeared her to you has now been turned against her, she is no doubt now locked in a room away from sharp implements, violently rocking back and forth sobbing until the whole sorry saga subsides. As she jumped and frolicked live on stage in front of millions her unusual depiction of femininity challenged the 'Old Wifey' stereotype that been allocated to her. Obediently and as instructed by the procurer's of The Papers you no longer adore her. Depressingly the media's sway apparently knows no bounds.

The drip feeding of 'sensational revelations' regarding your Members of Parliament continue and as a result your faith in politics has been shaken! Consequently many of you have decided to through out your brains with the bath water and vote for those that are not represented in government, and now representatives of the BNP are eagerly rubbing their plump and ugly little trotters at the prospect of gaining real power. How terribly unfortunate a prospect that is! It is at times like these when the major parties bicker and argue amongst themselves that hideous little organisations with grossly warped notions of fairness can slip through the back door into the halls of government.

If I believed the press where capable of such cunning I might be tempted to believe that this was an elaborate conspiracy. A warped plan to disrupt the normal processes of democracy and to encourage the public to doubt every one of their politicians motivations and consequently desperately pronounce their allegiances towards anyone but the three main parties. Though of course I am sensible enough to doubt such a plan exists. It is much more likely that the press are simply and nonchalantly destroying your dwindling faith in politics simply because they can. Just as they esteem then demean the meek with no regard for the consequences.

As The Cabinet crumbles and the country turns blue even I fear the future, will your country be returned to the clutches of the Conservatives that denied the existence of community and closed copious amounts of schools and hospitals during the eighties and nineties. I know not, alas whilst the press persist in decrying the hallowed democratic process you resemble orphaned toddlers seeking parental advice, blinking and bewildered you seek guidance from the most inappropriate sources. You naivety may lead you into the path of a passing stranger who innocently offers you sweets and treats, though you will of course regret such a decision as so many of you have before.

Ridiculously whilst most turn away from the real-life political process Big Brother has once again launched and you will undoubtedly rush to place your votes for whichever brain-free wannabe you decide to invest your viewing time in. Such is your bizarre and complex relationship with your right to vote.

Much Love Ms Coco LaVerne x

Machiavellian Players

2009-05-18T10:42:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, For what seems like months the Daily Telegraph have been throwing information grenades into media newsrooms. Obediently the rolling news channels have run very little else other than the 'shocking' revelations that your 'treasured' MP's have been stretching their expenses claims to an almost comical extent. From swimming pools and heli-pads to chandeliers and penthouse apartments all manner of luxuries have been paid for by you. Of course this is at least corruption and yes it is outrageous that these politicians exploit your pilfered pennies so blatantly, though I am suspicious.

The right-wing newspaper at the centre of the revelations is drip feeding the media these stories on a daily basis, each day a platoon of new victims is placed in the gallows for public humiliation, each embarrassing over-claimant is seen wriggling incoherently, attempting to defend themselves by claiming ignorance or blaming the faulty system. This daily onslaught continuously chips away at what little remains of your faith in these, your public servants. As a result the baying crowds grow angrier, outraged that these humble states-people are living a life luxurious whilst you scrimp and save.

Though as Parliament crumbles it is you that should take stock. Journalists yet again have set themselves up as judge, jury and prosecutioner, though like you they are all free from blame, from unpaid bills to 'borrowing' the odd paper clip from the office you all are used to stretching the rules to make the most of your feeble existences. I doubt there is a single one of you that could stand up and proclaim never to have 'managed' the odd perk. This is not to say that these MP's are guilt free, just that this whole campaign has received so much attention simply because of its slow release. Stephen Fry the beloved presenter, writer, comedian and general 'clever clogs' sums it up perfectly click on the image of Mr Fry below.

...You see my point! The ubiquitous coverage has concealed a multitude of other more worthy stories most of which you will know nothing about as they have sunk beneath the media radar never to resurface simply because the press hacks are completely consumed with scuttling after every Machiavellian Player in this sorry saga.

For example you may have failed to notice that a hugely important cultural event unfurled this weekend, Norway won The Eurovision Song Contest! I jest of course, you know all about this 'important' story. Yet almost nothing about the fact that just down the road from The Eurovision Song Contest arena participants of a gay pride march where being arrested for demonstrating against the human rights violations of gay Russians. This demonstration against homophobia took place the the day before IDAHO the “International Day Against Homophobia”. May 17th is a day designed to raise awareness of global homophobia, this could have presented an ideal opportunity to talk about the terrible killings of gay Iraqis: “There have been reports from Iraq by Al-Arabiya media of anal glue torture on Iraqi gays. Human rights activist Yanar Mohammad said that the torture involved the use of glue on the anus to seal it. The men are then given a drink to cause diarrhoea, which then kills them.” for the full story click here:

Ironic that whilst this famously camp and ridiculous competition was being won by a rather handsome Norwegian youth with undoubted gay appeal, the rights of gay people across the globe are omitted from popular culture. Though such is your preference for nonsensical frippery and diversion from issues of importance.

With Love as Ever, Ms Coco LaVerne x

Hurrah!

2009-05-07T16:19:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, Occasionally I admit that I despair for your race, it never ceases to amaze me how completely you obsess over your own derisory selves, all focus is on your own superficial contentment, hardly a thought is given to those outside your own often limited and claustrophobic inner circle. Unless of course they happen to be some brain numbingly dull 'celebrity' who is, like you only concerned with the total quenching of their own gargantuan appetites. In a world drenched in instant self gratification it is simply breathtaking when any member of your narcissistic society dares to explore the experience of a fellow human being.

So when a rare and gleaming example of such a citizen emerges I take immense pleasure in highlighting their achievements. Such is the case with the wonderful Joanna Lumley. The unfurling saga is summarised here, I do not need to regurgitate the details for you, unless you are indeed one of the many navel gazing nincompoops I refer to above. And even you are I am sure familiar with Joanna Lumley's career. Suffice it to say that this actress and personality has single handedly shone a very bright and exposing light into the dark corridors of parliament, forcing the ministers into a perplexing state of discombobulation and befuddlement! Such is the unending power of a beauty with brains.

What Ms Lumley represents is a lost and vastly underrated generation of women who simultaneously embody glamour, sophistication and intelligence. Joanna Lumley represents a Kirsty Allsop, Nigella Lawson sort of femininity which comforts the suburban middle classes, it reminds of a bygone era of decency and restraint that has been usurped by the popularity of reality TV stars and the 'Nouveau Riche', such as Katie Price or Victoria Beckham or some other vacuous dullard who has somehow managed to stumble into the limelight. I ask all young women reading to look at Joanna Lumley, now she is someone to aspire to, she is a beautiful mature woman, passionate and resourceful endearing and warm. Wholeheartedly worthy of praise and admiration.

Pundits are already contrasting her political canniness and triumph with the blunders and failures of Gordon Brown this week, once again it takes the breezy and brightly intelligence to undermine the stuffy and farcical workings of our 'democratic' system.

Hurrah, for Joanna Lumley!

Much Love Ms Coco LaVerne X

Iconography of a Pandemic!

2009-04-30T09:00:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, a new Pandemic is set to savagely strike the globe. The World Health Organisation have risen this new viral attack to level five, a level which encourages every country to prepare for an influenza outbreak that will rock your tiny worlds. The BBC have insisted on repeating the exact same coverage every fifteen minutes for the last few days, this would suggest that this story outweighs all other news stories currently breaking. The media it seems are fully aware that, though to be taken seriously this is perhaps just a small storm in quite a large tea cup though they cynically continue to ask you, various pundits and 'experts' alarmist and stupid questions. I have just seen an ITN reporter ask a school girl who attends the same school where a 'Swine Flu' case has been confirmed; “do you feel vulnerable?” to which she responded, “Yeah, people said we all might die if we get it!” This unhelpful and over emotive reporting is prurient at least and undoubtedly fuels the less calm of you to stock pile bottled water, lock all doors and windows and bathe regularly in Dettol - 'just in case'.

This rather uncouth coverage is without doubt in response to your inclination and addiction to the dramatic. As the BBC and other channels request 'your views' on such matters the 'dumbing down' of British Broadcasting has never seemed quite so apparent. Rather than adopt the no-nonsense attitude of yesteryear with well informed and balanced coverage viewers call in to the news studio and are given air time, sprouting irrelevant tales of airport confusion and mild cold symptoms. Many journalists reporting live from Mexico adorn themselves in what most officials proclaim as utterly useless face masks, this visual harbinger of doom fuels the dreaded apocalyptic notion that at some point in the near future martial law will be enforced and vast quarantine camps will house the infected. This I am happy to say is much less likely to happen than you may think. Many will become ill, a few of the weakest may die, though this is the nature of disease, a cruel yet efficient method of population control which has frequently rescued the globe from over population.

Official channels continue to emphasis the need for increased personal hygiene, “Catch it, Bin it, Kill it!” is the official strap line for this pandemic, in this commercialised world even a pandemic is 'branded' in order for it to be easily understood. A rapidly produced advertisement campaign attempts to homogenise the preferred reaction to this global threat. With emphasis placed on prevention, the actual details of the virus are glossed over. It seems as long as an issue has a unified appearance it can at least be conceptually contained. This is human nature's response to potential catastrophe, first it is examined and categorised, a governmental response is honed both nationally and internationally and then finally you hope it is officially dealt with. Though perhaps the greatest threat is not the virus but the overreaction of you to it.

I hope you survive the onslaught!

With Love Ms Coco LaVerne X

Susan Boyle-Dowdy Diva!

2009-04-22T14:29:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, Susan Boyle has been unceremoniously catapulted onto a world stage, in case you haven't heard of this woman here is a brief summary: Britain's Got Talent is the sort of show you all love, it gives the socially redundant a route to super-stardom; yet another 'reality' show which promises moments of fame for the talentless, this show offers you a stage to procure your 'abilities' to an audience ready to laugh and mock. From animal trainers to fire eaters from acrobats to synchronised dancers, all manner of the desperate traipse in front of the ubiquitous judging panel for assessment. Most of course are deluded to say the least with various acts promising that they will be bigger than some super group or other, nearly all are sadly mistaken. Susan Boyle apparently fitted this stereotype perfectly, a dumpy unkempt ruddy faced woman walked onto the stage humbly proclaiming her desire to have a career similar to Elaine Paige. The audience made up of Jeremy Kyle rejects laughed and pointed, baying for yet more humiliation of the few deranged enough to believe that they could impress.

Miraculously this rather homely woman did manage to impress the audience, shock struck the crowd. Like a Mexican wave they rose to their feet to applaud the 'dulcet' tones of this women who had apparently a life filled with tragedy. A “never been kissed forty something virgin” who had put her own life on hold to care for her dying mother is yet another tabloid feel good story made in Red Top heaven. In a Jade free world the sense of frenzy is an almost culpable stench in the air as the 'Hello's' and OK's trample up to the small village in Scotland where Ms Boyle lives, the locals rush to witness the consumption of yet another innocent on the sacrificial table of contemporary culture.

The judges efficiently feigned surprise and emotion for the cameras as each announced their esteem for Ms Boyle's performance. She rather bewildered could have had no idea what would proceed as the clip of this 'miracle' performance fuelled by Twitter, Facebook and You-Tube raced around cyberspace, within days the clip had received millions of hits and this women's story was making global headlines! Oprah Winfrey, Larry King and the like began to request interviews and assurances that she would win this British TV competition flooded in from all corners of the world.

This says much about the current power of the internet and it's various sites though what of course is most interesting is the position of this woman at the centre of the story. In a world of sanitised and airbrushed images of women, here is presented a natural woman who steps outside of the apparent norm. Ms Boyle is no more homely looking than you are, her hair resembles wire wool, her cheeks are plump and rosy, and her figure is far from svelte. Though somehow you have forgotten that she is you and you are her. She has not been airbrushed, or tweaked by surgeons, even her brow is untouched by tweezer! You have become so used to seeing augmented versions of femininity that when you see a real life woman you become deranged!

For some reason you are so impressed that a woman who looks 'normal' can do anything other than clean, cook or care for you that you want to preserve her in aspic as some kind of side show freak. The most troubling element of this tale is that it has been reported that Simon Cowell believes that Ms Boyle should remain as she is, she should not have a make-over as this would compromise her 'brand'. Of course Mr Cowell has resisted the temptation to update his look, his hedgehog hair and high wasted trouser have become a uniform, his outfit is instantly recognisable, a brand, an Icon of sorts. Mr Cowell has acted as Svengali to a multitude of singers some more successfully than others. Though that is his decision one informed by years of experience, he is for some reason happy to be a fashion free zone. Ms Boyle is at the mercy of a media machine ready to brand and package her as a Dowdy Diva.

A similar yet less controversial previous winner of this TV 'talentless' show was Paul Potts an overweight toothless 'opera' singer who went on to sell countless records across the world. Obviously in your deeply misogynistic culture much less was made of this portly man and his appearance. Your perception of women is so ridiculously narrow that it is only the beautiful diva that is 'allowed' to exist, if another version comes along she must either be transformed into a beautiful goddess or frozen in time as “farmers wife Icon”.

I believe that Ms Boyle deserves to make the most of herself, to embrace cosmetics and fashion and hopefully a pair of tweezers, though not because she should or must but because she wants to become a more attractive version of herself. Not a carbon copy of Leona Lewis but a perfectly acceptable and attractive fuller figured older women. I for one wish her well, she seems delightful, though the novelty of a perfectly passable voice exiting such a plain and apparently tragic package may eventually wear off, just as quickly as your prurient interest in her does.

With Love The Fabulous Ms Coco LaVerne X

Beauty and the Anarchist

2009-04-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, perhaps the most glamorous couple presently residing on the planet flew into London this week Barack Obama has been attending the G20 summit elegantly accompanied by his fabulously stylish wife Michelle, it almost brings a tear to my own perfectly made up eye to see the power of glamour fully realised in this context. As this uber couple waft from one event to another the sense of excitement is writ large on the faces of all who come into contact with them. Even Gordon Brown looked momentarily handsome in the golden hue of Obama.

Though if the Obamas are the two leads, the thousands of protesters are the chorus line in this epic saga. The Anarchists, The Environmentalists, the Anti-Capitalists all gathered around the banking district of London to publicly show their disdain for the vast array of policies that have so profoundly disenfranchised the powerless. Though as usual the mainstream media have marginalised the few brave enough to attend. I watched avidly as the rolling news feed unfurled yesterday, each outside broadcaster, each cameraman and each photojournalist seemed to focus on the stereotype of the protester. The dirty dread-locked Caucasian is apparently the only version of dissident worthy of mainstream coverage. Many of the loudest and most boisterous of campaigners lurched in front of the camera to make some garbled comment or other, though rare room was given to the articulate commentator of 'alternative' views.

The mainstream would have you believe that all those with 'alternative' views are members of a social tribe that hug trees and juggle in the street. Typical that the mainstream use stereotyping shorthand to tell such a complex story. It is perhaps the tribal signifier of the 'alternative' that choose to turn their back on the high-visibility consumption associated with the glamorous. And it is perhaps this that prevents you from engaging, for to be seen to be engaging with such political viewpoints somehow may taint you with this anti-glamour brush. Many of you aspire to be more than you are though sadly the aspirant you are currently exposed to are more likely to stand up for their right to party than to stand up for any political belief.

Amongst the various versions of reporting the levels of violence seemed to wax and wane like the moon. Footage seems to reveal that the police reacted somewhat violently to the crowds, such is the trend for crowd management sadly, reminiscent of the poll tax riots of the early nineties, the 'rioters' yesterday were hoarded into 'pens' and kept at bay for hours, pushed and shoved like cattle, it is no wonder that these people became restless and angry. Little, as yet has been made of the one man who died yesterday amid the riots, it is suggested that the inhumane 'penning in' of the crowds could in some way be a contributing factor to this man's death though I fear this potential scandal will be lost amongst the perpetual news coverage of the 'main' issue at hand; the G20 summit and it's 'saving' of the financial world. Alas it is really only the mainstream that is able to make icons of the outsider and I dare say they will not be making a martyr out of this singular man in this particular case.

Though the 'main' issue at hand is the promise to battle the crisis in your banks and as I listen to Gordon Brown announcing the communiqué finalised at G20 it seems that the nations that have gathered and cooperated. Brown seems steadfast and solid, sure of the actions in place to stimulate the global economy. The one trillion dollars that have been used as a fiscal stimulus may indeed help the rich and poorer nations recover from this 'difficult time'. As money has been promised to the countries that are struggling in a kind of interest free overdraught. This historical mobilisation of global economies and institutions to help solve this economic crisis is in addition to the fiscal stimuli's already made. Though it appears this maybe throwing good money after bad the lapsed regulation of the banking system is promised to be rectified with the intention of restoring trust. A trust that has so rocked your own little worlds as much as it has rocked the wider global economy. The plans put in place are a suggested initiative that will not be enforced but reviewed at the next G20 summit in the autumn. Those that do not engage with the initiative will be shamed publicly for protectionist agendas. There is of course no quick fix but there is a world wide determination to solve the problem.

Surprisingly Gordon Brown despite my suspicion appears to be talking sense, he represents a motivation to look at the bigger picture, he proclaimed that “this is the day that the world came together”. Is this a new world order? Only time will tell. Though this historic day may signify a change in the way global politics is operated. A new period perhaps of countries working together irrespective of political difference, if the financial woes of the world can be confronted through global cooperation perhaps the imminent climactic catastrophe may stand a chance of being solved. It is heart warming to note that if such large scale problems can be potentially solved through apparent engagement of intelligence and diplomacy then 'smaller' injustices may crumble under the same scrutiny.

Perhaps my naivety on this subject has struck me momentarily dumb though my unusual optimism is perhaps in part due to the emotional and inspiring Michelle Obama who said today looking as elegant as ever: “...There was nothing in my life's path that would have predicted that I would be stood here as the first African American First Lady of the United States of America, I wasn't raised with wealth or resources, I was raised on the south side of Chicago, that's the 'real' Chicago....” This proclamation of achievement by the humble is testimony to what can be achieved by the determined.

Truly a woman to look up to, for you, yours and dare I say myself.

With Love Ms Coco LaVerne x

The Mother....

2009-03-31T06:58:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, Last week much discussion was had about the imminent advertisements for condoms and sexual health clinics being broadcast on your screens, an attempt it is suggested to 'combat' the ever growing teenage pregnancy 'epidemic' that is apparently sweeping the nation. This week much furore surrounds Madonna's attempt to adopt another Malawian baby, much to the outrage of the media and it would seem you. The contemporary attitude to motherhood is as complex and rife with pitfall as ever.

There are the cynical teenage reprobates that given the opportunity will reproduce simply to get themselves a council house. These mothers push their babies around the estates in which they live wreaking of cheap alcohol and cigarettes, screaming obscenities at their own children and passing strangers alike. Their children are weaned on Coca Cola and McDonald's, unable to differentiate fruit from vegetable. These mothers inadvertently raise the next generation of criminal and lay about.

It is this that your society want to avoid hence the many initiatives in place to rid the world of such heinous child rearers. Though it may surprise you to know that this is not the only behaviour displayed by mothers yet to celebrate their twentieth birthday. Many are considerate and caring mothers keen to do the best for their offspring, determined to raise happy and well balanced members of society. Though the media persist in describing 'teenage pregnancy' as harbinger of a doomed society. This simplistic stereotype hangs over young mothers like a threat, potentially damaging self worth and undermining the role of motherhood so cherished by themselves and the family they raise.

The same cannot be said for the alternative ideal. These are the thirty something 'Earth Mothers' who obediently supplies her darlings with wheat grass and free range produce from the nearest organic supermarket. These mothers are esteemed, they have created a career that affords them a suitable amount of maternity leave, they charge around your high streets in their 4x4 perambulators believing themselves to be the best version of Motherhood. Their children are left to scream and hurtle around your nearest eatery, without fear of retribution as this 'may scupper their desire to fulfil their identity'. For these youngsters discipline is unnecessary, inclusion within a loving 'Middle Class' family affords you with an innate sense of decency. These mothers inadvertently raise the next generation of self indulgent ninny unable to function in the real world of toil and strife.

Of course while both stereotypes persist the multitude of variants that exist in the real world challenge the role of the mother, though whilst such limited parameters continue to be referred to, mothers continue to fear societal condemnation. Such is the case with Madonna who as a newly single mother is transgressing these norms. Though her journey to adoption and patronage of various causes in Malawi remains generally perplexing, limited research reveals that it is the AIDS epidemic that swept this nation that first got her attention, an epidemic that took the lives of many of her peers including Keith Haring, artist and friend. This may explain her motivations for investment and subsequent adoption though it remains a troubling manifestation of these perhaps genuine concerns to remove a child from his or her natural environment. No matter how challenging an environment this may be. Though society's disdain of a powerful women is such that she is unable to 'do right' in any circumstance. The same is not quite so true in the case of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt who as Hollywood's first heterosexual couple are seen to be rather kooky and eccentric rather than manipulative and cunning when embarking on a similar quest.

Madonna is not acting as missionary for some Christian cause in Africa as so many evangelists before her, she appears to be injecting cash not bibles into this contemporary third world. Her actions irrespective of potentially sincere motivations reveal her belief that money not God will save this nation, a reflection of a western society which believes the same. Though investment in global poverty is needed it is perhaps the investment of time and care that makes for a successful childhood and creation of valuable citizens to inhabit your crumbling world.

Whatever version of motherhood you were raised in or choose to adopt now, it would seem helpful to esteem such an endeavour, the constant fear of child rearing incorrectly hangs over almost all of those that embark on this thankless task no matter what your social position. I for one wish you all well with this most important of responsibilities, a responsibility that your society over simplifies so frequently.

Much Love as Always Ms Coco LaVerne x

Magificently Normal!

2009-03-24T06:56:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, much of my contemplations refer to the mainstream print media and it's desire to divide you from yourselves. Alas where some of you are capable of remotely viewing the vileness perpetuated as harmless fodder, many allow your brains to become infected with the thought processes that continuously radiate from whichever 'rag' you 'innocently' purchase. This results in behaviours that idiotically dispense the same ignorance your press want you to display, thus perpetuating your desire to continue to buy and read the poisonous generalisations that fill the pages of The Sun or The Mirror.

From the flippant and cynical exploitation of the feeble to the self serving sycophantic patronisation of the powerful, it would be easy to lay a large portion of the blame on the urine stained doorsteps of Fleet Street. Though as has been said by many before; you receive the press you deserve; all is bite sized chunks of nonsensical conjecture that perpetuates your ignorant view of humanity. Ignorance is blissful unawareness of the harm these myths and stereotypes spread from ill informed observations to cynical accusation.

The 'winners' in the world of journalistic generalities are what are wildly believed to be the 'Normal'. The concept of the fictitious 'Normal' is as ludicrous as it is damaging as anyone who is not 'Normal' is subtly or viciously marginalised from the closed inner sanctum of protection gleaned from the 'privileged' location of the 'Average'.

Though beware; if you are deemed as 'Normal' or 'Average' by your society this only applies until you happen to do something that may prevent you from being included, this then results in you being jettisoned and forced to live amongst the outcasts. In these lands of the extraordinary you will either be honoured or chastised. The extraordinary are thrust into the world of celebrity which offers the 'Normal' something to aspire to. The lowly position of the chastised offers the 'Normal' a selection of deviants to look down on and fear, temporarily comforting the 'Average' who stand little chance of being esteemed, and desperately hope not be punished for stepping outside of the narrow parameters of the 'Average'.

Main stream journalists promote themselves as the definers of 'Normal' deigning this or that as the average version of each particular category of a person. From a 'Normal' house wife to the 'Normal' Muslim to the 'Normal' gay or lesbian person the press are determined to categorise the many into a reductive anthology of the simplest of 'types' in order to present an illusory world that is filed and understood.

What this categorisation of you does is alienate you from your peers. If you are a member of a 'tribe' who is outside the 'Normal' then you have a narrower margin of creativity to explore. If you're a gay person you must be excited by musical theatre and interested in interior design, if you're house wife you must obediently transport your children to school and be an efficient multi-tasker, if you're a Muslim then you must be a religious fanatic who loathes secular society.

Your popular culture herds your sense of identity around the narrow pens of acceptability and 'teaches' you what to believe. The judgemental and ignorant are able to rest in the knowledge that they understand the complex delineations of humanity. Of course this summation is littered with contradiction and hypocrisy, and there lies the crux of the matter, no one is 'Normal', yet you are all 'Normal'. From above you are all the same, no matter how superficially different, you each struggle with your own sense of isolation, wrestle with your doom laden tragedies. Each lives in dread of being utterly alone with out a soul to love. It is this that popular culture wants you to forget, it this single truth that if you completely understood would remind you all of your shared humanity. Each individual 's quest to survive is what unites you.

So My Darlings forget the categorisation that your gutter press attempts to 'educate' you with. Free yourselves from the tyranny of the Red Tops, don't buy them, walk away as I do. Your complex world is a wondrous melange of peculiarities filled with 'Normal' people, each fabulously unique!

With Love the Perfectly Average Ms Coco LaVerne x

Screen Idol

2009-03-16T08:12:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, almost all of you are bathed in a warm electronic glow from one screen or another, it began with the silent cinematic shimmer of silver which evolved into a rainbow hue of Technicolor, for this magical experience one would have to journey to your local movie theatre. An audience would gather in hushed tones to witness vast Hollywood narratives unfurl into tales of romance and tragedy. With the rapid advancement of technology huge wooden boxes with tiny glass screens were placed into your living rooms, bringing world events and little dramas right into the heart of the family home, unifying and bonding your dysfunctional families. As the boxes shrank and the screens grew so did the number of television channels, now an array of tastes and interests can be satisfied, all you need do is sit and bathe in the sight and sound of your chosen televisual landscape.

The capacity television has had to punctuate your journey from childhood to adulthood has created a treasured shorthand which reveals the social clique that you aspire or belong to. From brain numbing soap and challenging documentary to the cult serial drama the majority of you are articulate in the language of telly. Over recent years the personal computer has begun to usurp the Television's position in the lounge. Splintering your families into shards of individual screen worship and interaction. Much like the advent of television those 'in the know' have proclaimed the public's use of computer technology as the death nail of social coherence from on-line chat-rooms to the now ubiquitous Facebook the academics and educational elite chastise you for engaging socially through various networking sites.

Colossal PC's have transformed into lightweight laptops, enabling your tactile technological tendencies to touch your actual body, in any room of the house or WiFi enabled location the warmth of your machine gently ruminates through your thighs.You can endlessly ride the information superhighway, as you gently tap on your keyboard miniature vibrations sizzle through you. At home, at work, in your local coffee shop you are all able to interact with your followers, friends and fans.
And yet more innovation as recent advancements and developments have enabled your mobile phones to become personal little vibrating computers. I of course have embraced the world of screen worship as a beautiful version of a screen icon myself I'm only too happy to massage my silky screens. Facebook, Twitter and Blogger is the software that lubricates my hardware from my well worn laptop to my most recent Nokia 5800. With cameras and music players and on-line access your love affair with the screen has developed into a tactile relationship. At last the touch-screen reciprocates responding to your tender touch. You can now caress your mobile screen with gentle fingers, and it obediently supplies access to your on-line TV programs, your photos, your music, your messages and notifications from the ones you love.

Where once you needed to collectively gather in darkened rooms to revel in the golden light of the screen or recline on the sofa in your lounge you now can sashay through the streets to your own personal soundtrack, you're able to capture the occasional visual delight on your device to view or share later. From community to individual experience the doom sayers berate your propensity to sit like sodden lumps with an inanimate conglomeration of metal and plastic apparently seeping into pools of ice-cold isolation. Admittedly it can be easy to become embedded within your on-line world, interacting with endless tittle-tattle and the inanity of strangers, though this is human nature, to gossip and chat about the nonsensical peculiarities of human existence, though most would not be able to explain it in such terms so the educated deem you all as Luddites who should be reading a book instead. It is better apparently to consume knowledge that has been sanctioned by professionals rather than interact with the like minded.

It is the transformation of you from consumer of media to the creators of content that so discombobulates the experts. Like you I am creating my own personal channel of knowledge production, and with this product comes admirers and friends who miraculously are able to interact with my good self and I you. I am able to write these words for you to gaze upon not passively but interactively, you link to me and I to you, fleeting comments and admiration can develop into genuine friendship and camaraderie. Your chosen method of creation and consumption act as conduit from one version of the 'real' to another, your little machines and applications enable relationships to be created and to blossom into real human interactions.

I love you all, virtual, fictitious and hyper real.

Much Love Ms Coco LaVerne X

Domestic Disturbances!

2009-03-12T06:03:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, many of my loyal followers have repeatedly asked for my opinion on Rihanna's terrible plight and her recent clash with Chris Brown, these two pop stars have contributed to the reinvigoration of R&B for the noughties creating huge hits most notably perhaps Rhianna's enormous chart topper 'Umbrella'. Ironic perhaps that a song referring to the metaphorical protection gleaned from love has proved so untrue in this particular relationship. The rumours were rife a few weeks ago regarding Chris Brown's alleged sustained physical attack on Rihanna. I as ever like to get my facts straight before blithely casting judgement on personal relationships though as various 'facts' and opinions have now gone 'live' I feel able to comment, especially in light of this week's announcement on domestic violence by the government and their new actions to confront it.

Last Sunday was International Women's Day, though sadly as it fell on a Sunday it received limited mainstream press attention though Monday's reports and statistics on domestic abuse reveal that there is no recession on violence occurring in the your homes. On Monday the Home Secretary launched the largest ever, cross-government public consultation on violence against women. This on-line survey enables everyone to engage with the issues, for details click here. I welcome the government's intention to debate the specifics of this serious problem. However the survey asks rather prosaic questions that imply a superficial engagement with the issues involved. It is difficult to understand the reasons for the rather out-dated queries regarding the women's attire, profession, drug-use and levels of drunkenness implying that this may have some bearing on whether a women is more or less responsible for being a victim of violence, or perhaps the survey is intended to examine what you as a society believe to be the reasons and on who the 'blame' can be placed? This remains to be seen.

Unsurprisingly I am drawn to the broader issues surrounding the motivations for such behaviour and am interested in what this reveals about your culture. Aside from the occasional documentary, the main stream media is not able or dedicated enough to allow real debate on any significant issue, instead 'sound-bite' news coverage laden with gimmick and celebrity passes for 'public debate', an in-depth conversation is usually allowed a maximum of five minutes to explore even the most complex and important of issues. Whilst focusing on particularly high profile cases may lure a viewer or reader into sympathising with the protagonists the attention to one case inhibits proper conversation as often you become over emotional and involved with speculation on particular events.

My Loves, by now I would expect you to be familiar with the variety of manifestations and realities of dastardly domestic disturbances, your soaps feature it, your chat shows cover it and your Jeremy Kyle style programming is overflowing with it, these forms can encourage debate though no forum appears willing or able to get under the bruised and battered skin of this most serious of social malady. Here I raise just a few points for contemplation with more to follow. As past posts on this beautiful blog reveal, International Women's Day is still as relevant now as it was ninety nine years ago when it first began, female inequity is still rife across your globe. From unequal pay to inadequate maternity leave, to the use of rape and torture during war, I need not go in to specifics, though the concerned can click here.

In terms of domestic abuse quite rightly most energy is focused on how those of you that are unfortunate enough to get into this situation, get out of it. As usual I am interested in what it signifies culturally for women that get into this sort of relationship. Certainly one issue to consider is the esteem that relationships have in society, an esteem that over rides almost all other areas of your identity. A term like 'other half' suggest that a lone person is not wholly sufficient within your culture. A lone female is still seen as a threat often deemed as a selfish careerist or as a failure for not capturing a suitable mate. The 'Cinderella' story underpins almost all of your cultural tropes from soap and sit-com to the cinematic rom-com in almost all depictions of the human condition the pursuit of that special relationship is key to a 'Happily Ever After'. Admittedly a happy and loving relationship can enrich your sordid lives hence the endless love songs and the above that address it, though surely the pursuit of this potentially mythical ideal should not usurp your own journey to becoming a well rounded person.

So overwhelming is this cultural programming that you may not be as aware as is advisable when selecting your mate, culturally you are occasionally undeniably stupid, but perhaps optimistically I believe that individually you are all able to focus your sense of intuition to become aware of the minute little messages regarding your next 'knight in shining armour'. Especially given the cultural propensity that encourages women to believe that men can be changed by a loving partner, the most lecherous lothario can become a tender hearted home body given the right 'education' apparently.

I write these words not as chastisement to those of you that may make regrettable decisions regarding the men in your life. The only one at fault is the aggressor. Though to view such an aggressor simply as that, is to over simplify.

I suggest that your culture's emphasis on the pursuit of domestic bliss encourages women to sacrifice their happiness to assure that they do not remain single. The state of marital existence is apparently so essential that it has programmed even the most successful and wondrous examples of femininity to doubt their self-worth as an individual being, such is the case with the young and beautiful Rihanna. A woman who by any standards would be deemed a success, but who has (allegedly) become involved in an escalating saga of violence at the hand of her significant other.

It could be argued that the objectification of women has influenced the continuation of violence against women. Despite the various laws and protections that have been put in place since the dawn of feminism in the latter part of the last century, this legislative progress has coincided with the continuing sexualisation of women in popular culture. This objectification allows men to de-humanise their mates, allowing the dim-witted to control and subjugate their spouses, thus preventing them from truly valuing the warmth and humanity of their loving partners.

It was with alarm I noted that the same news program that covered the governments announcement on Monday also chose to comment on the celebration of 'Barbie's' fiftieth 'birthday'. This plastic simulacrum of a women is given to small children to act as an ideal of femininity. Barbie who has become a 'feminist icon' has been in circulation for half a century, an emotionless, opinion-less, caricature of a women, who will not feel a beating and will not answer back, is championed. A fictional character who has become synonymous with 'Ken', Karl Lagerfeld has designed for her, real women even attempt to resemble her, such is the peculiarity and complexity of the woman's place in your world.

Of course the majority of men love and cherish, though whilst culturally femininity is undermined, the potential for violence exists. I have hardly scratched the surface of this issue. I have barely delved into it's twisted depths of depravity, though I shall return to this subject soon, as I feel it to be vitally important and worthy of exploration.

To finish I would like to salute the women who brave their own personal storms, the plight of the female of the species is still miraculously down played in your culture though I hope that individually women's skills and abilities are valued by the majority of families despite the statistics.

My Dearest Darlings believe in your own self worth, do not accept ill treatment. Listen to yourself as if you are your own best friend.

Humbly Ms Coco LaVerne x

Watchmen, A Review!

2009-03-06T11:51:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, today I briefly entered something resembling the real world, I was milling around a muti-plex amongst the style free and dangerously pale people of geek-dom to embark on a mission to supply you with another film review. Watchmen is the long awaited screen adaptation of the graphic novel by Alan Moore. It won't surprise you to know that as a Heroine myself I have more than a passing interest in the depiction of the 'Super-Hero' in popular culture. This peculiar fictional construct and largely American phenomenon explores the notion of a rare breed of humanity gifted with fantastic abilities. From Batman to Superman, to The X-men and to the current TV series Heroes I am fascinated by your desire to dream that miraculous masked saviours will save the day. The icons of this genre are of course male heterosexuals who act to save humanity whilst generally feeling alienated from those they regularly rescue.

The 20^th century comic book is the nursery for these figures that with the advancement of computer technology and CGI are ever more convincingly portrayed on your various screens. It is often the male outsider that creates these icons and it is to male outsiders these heroes naturally appeal. So it is not surprising that given the opportunity to be bestowed with superhuman strength and heroic good looks these fictional characters objectify and dehumanise the female of the species. Throughout comic book history women are more often than not depicted as screaming victims unable to save themselves from some terrible plight. The few female 'super' heroines that exist in this universe are fetishised into scantily clad dominatrices whose sole purpose is to satisfy the male quest for sexual gratification.

Watchmen purports to be an intelligent version of this genre and indeed it does explore some questions that are not usually confronted in the average Super Hero movie. The over arching theme of this film is whether humanity deserves to be saved. Set in an alternative 80's America where Richard Nixon is president the retired masked heroes are being pursued by an unclear threat, their position in society questionable and perplexing. The story is revealed through a series of flash backs which suggest that these heroes are not morally just examples to humanity but are as susceptible to corruption and cruelty as you all are.

The main character of interest is Dr Manhattan who as a result of an accident in a physicists laboratory is gifted with a god-like understanding of time and the ability to deconstruct and dematerialise matter. Shining blue throughout and generally naked this character acts as a metaphor for humanities existential angst. Other wordly and mysterious the character of Dr Manhattan is the device that invites the audience to explore the nature of planet Earth and it's position in the universe.

The special effects are flawless, with spectacular vistas of destruction and violence throughout. The costumes are efficient though not ground breaking though alas the make-up and wigs are frequently questionable. I of course being an expert in this field believe that one shouldn't notice make-up or obvious wigs as it can distract from the viewing experience, in this case I frequently was a gasp at the clumsy prosthetics and unprofessional ageing make-up.

Though the major cause for disgruntlement from this movie reviewer was the unfortunate portrayal of women. In a cast of many only two female characters featured at any great length; Silk Spectre I and II, mother and daughter are both versions of the scantily clad crime fighter. Both are defined mainly by their conflicting and complex relationships with the male protagonists. The first Silk Spectre is shown as a retired drunken lush who bitterly laments her past relationship with The Comedian whilst Silk Spectre II is subjected to being plucked from one location to another, she is quite literally materialised and dematerialised by Dr. Manhattan. The original Silk Spectre is depicted being aggressively sexually attacked by The Comedian, violent and disturbing this yet another depiction of violence against females that is apparently later forgiven as The Comedian would later father Silk Spectre's daughter. Other females that are seen on screen are either prostitutes or bitter and twisted ex-girlfriends. Of Course this is not the fault of the film maker as the movie version remains loyal to the original graphic novel, though it is unfortunate to yet again experience women being reduced and sexualised so brutally and to hear the line during the attempted rape scene; “You mean 'No!' as in Y.E.S” does nothing to help the cause for 'post-feminist' politics.

This problematic component of the film is utterly nauseating, though I as an enlightened soul can see these complexities I fear that many others will consume this undertone with out questioning it. And thus a new generation of translucent faced computer addicts will project this version of femininity into the world, with out fully understanding or embracing the true wonderment and potential of women-hood. This problem aside this film is a spectacular adaptation and will no doubt be an enjoyable addition to the comic book movie catalogue, I simply hope that before long a female character is permitted to exist in the wondrous universe of the Superhuman.

Happy Viewing My Darlings,

Love Ms Coco LaVerne x

Big Hair!

2009-03-05T05:58:00.000-08:00

Rita Hayworth and her Hair in Gilda!

My Dearest Darlings. In the arsenal of glamour and beauty there is little as beguiling and seductive as a full head of luxurious and glossy tresses, in these times of economic woe it is perhaps the only area that does not require massive financial investment. Even for the most frugal of you, outgoings for the maintenance and up-keep of your crowning glory is still a relatively meagre expense. As the Pound, Dollar and Yen plummet the halls of fame view ostentatious displays of consumption as inappropriate, they do not want to rub their rubies or dangle their diamonds in your dour little faces when you can barely afford to fill them with the greasy grub that sustains you. So it is little surprise that 'Big Hair' has once again taken centre stage on catwalks, award ceremonies and fashion magazine covers.

It was Samson's seven locks that were the source of his immense strength and when they were cunningly removed by Delilah's maid the fortitude that he was renowned for slowly sapped away. Through the ages the sheen and quality of a man's mane and it's obvious connection with the mane of the mighty lion has been usurped by the sexual allurement of a female with flowing tendrils. In the Fifties Rita Hayworth and her auburn locks embodied the seductive goddess perfectly showcased in the film 'Gilda' (above).

Throughout the last hundred years the sexualisation of women and their hair has become a cultural signifier operating as standard for a female's chosen identity. From sultry young 'just got of bed' vixens like Bridgette Bardot to the fiery and controversial Margaret Thatcher whose Iconic concrete hair 'do' can be seen as a metaphor for self control and political power. Contemporary women have yet to escape the limitations of these visual tropes. Could Margaret Thatcher have been the political stalwart with the hair of Bardot?

With the release of the official portrait of Michelle Obama this week a new era has been proclaimed still with a string of political subtexts. Michelle Obama's relaxed afro hair, is well coiffed and straightened, elegantly flattering her strong face. Though it is unlikely that President Obama or his wife will be adopting a 'Black Afro' in the White House, this hairstyle apparently remains an explicitly political style statement. Michelle Obama's stylists have not chosen to play homage to the 'The Black Panthers' of the Sixties but to Jackie 'O' and her understated Chanel two-piece. For a women to possess political power she must still downplay her sexuality, From Hillary Clinton to Harriet Harman most women in politics feel it necessary to adopt a short efficient cut, veering away from a seductive image, it seems that your culture can still only tolerate powerful women as long as their power does not transgress too many boundaries.

To be beautiful, intelligent, seductive, glamorous and politically powerful is just too much to bare for your pathetic and balding patriarchal society. So My Darlings do not let the size of your 'Big Hair' diminish the size of your immense brains, Be all you can be, complex, wise and mysterious, they just can't bare it when that happens.

With Love Ms Coco LaVerne X

The Diversification of a Diva!

2009-02-27T08:14:00.001-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, I am submerged deeply within your culture though am bizarrely separated from it. I exist in another dimension, a dimension that operates alongside your own, I occasionally burst through the membrane that separates you from I, and emerge resplendent with a golden otherworldly glow surrounding me, this aura maintains me for a short time until I must return to my own exotic world which is not above, beside or beyond but entwined betwixt and amongst your own. As this blog has reached it's first birthday I, as promised have been assessing this peculiar position. I have, what you could call a 'cult following', a small amount of loyal followers that keep up to date with my meanderings, you enjoy the sensation that you belong to the 'in' crowd. This gives you a sense of superiority over the normal cyber surfer who is yet to happen across my words. If and when my identity captures the Zeitgeist and more see fit to gaze upon my commentaries your sense of superiority may increase as you will be amongst the first of my loyal followers and for this I sincerely thank you. However if I am to maintain this humble collection of ruminations I feel I should bring in new audiences, as I am sure you agree they deserve to be a party to my idiosyncratic ponderings.

So I hereby announce that I will be endeavouring to offer a few new elements to this beautiful blog. The first; My Fabulous Film Reviews! I have frequently mentioned film stars throughout my posts but have never commented on specific movies. My tastes are varied, not surprisingly I am fond of the Golden Oldies, with stars such as Monroe and Dietrich though I also have an interest in films of a more serious nature. For now I am going to focus on cinema that seems to get the most cultural attention and attempt to explore the hidden meanings otherwise lost on you, the simple minded that repeatedly, blindly and obediently flock to Movie Theatres to see what you are told to see.

A film that has garnered much attention of late is 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'. This film is a member of the much maligned and generally derided 'Chick Flick' variety. Something that is deemed suitable for 'all' female kind to love and enjoy and there lies its first failing. Visually the film references many of the depictions of femininity that are currently ubiquitous, 'Sex and the City', 'Devil Wears Prada', and 'Ugly Betty' heavily influence the look, script, casting and story line of this film though with little of the charm of 'Sex and the City'.

Isla Fisher plays the main character Rebecca Bloomwood, who like all the main protagonists in the projects mentioned above is a journalist, her career development appears to be her main motivation though in this case it is to climb out of a deep and profound debt accrued from endless shopping sprees paid for with various credit cards. The plot attempts to thicken as Bloomwood accidentally secures a job writing for a financial quarterly, surprisingly run by a handsome and eligible bachelor played by Hugh Dancy who is miraculously heir to his own fortune. It is the watery eyed Hugh Dancy who looks the most uncomfortable in his role as 'Eye-Candy', I found Isla Fisher surprisingly charming though she failed to embody the intelligence needed to make the character even remotely believable, I suspect this was more down to the writing than her performance.

Regrettable tropes litter the film, there is the kooky best friend, an occasional appearance by a hilarious gay character and perhaps most derivative of all the haughty fashion magazine executive bitch played by Kristin Scott-Thomas. The thinly veiled and clumsy message of the film is as obvious as the inevitable happy ending and leaves little room for imagination.

This film and the ones like it reduce female experience to the pursuit of validation through expressing themselves in an idiosyncratic and original way however all of these portrayals fail to properly show the character's potential depths. A first sentence may be narrated only to trail off as if the writer has immediately lost interest, this depiction is perhaps symptomatic of the current trend for bloggers, columnists, and journalists who endeavour to needlessly gain popularity of which of course this is one. Though rather than attempt to reveal the process of revelation and epiphany of writing the female writer is depicted as a relationship and shoe obsessed vacantly glamorous socialite. This is in stark contrast to the majority of men who are depicted as serious business men or earnest deep thinkers. The female despite being happy in the work place is really only after social acceptance which then gives her the self confidence to (Louis Vuitton) bag her 'Man'.

So if a passable, occasionally amusing, formulaic and derivative 'chick flick' is what you seek to numb your pitiful brains then this is absolutely ideal for you.

Happy Viewing My Darlings,

Ms Coco LaVerne X

An Anniversary!

2009-02-23T02:40:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings! This fabulously flawless blog has been in existence for a single year, it's hard to believe that time passes so quickly. Over the past three hundred and sixty five days I have endeavored to hold my cultural microscope unflinchingly to whichever breaking news story challenges my divine disposition. My exploration of your cultural landscape often challenges the mainstream media and it's tendency to demean the great and esteem the weak.

My motivation is to reveal the camouflaged injustice that is disguised by an array of tittle-tattle and gossip mongering. Of course I'd like to thank my loyal followers for their unending support and encouragement, with out you I'm just another sultry voiced vixen waxing lyrically into the night.

As is traditional with a passing anniversary I have been gazing into the mirror and reflecting on my performance, examining my elocution and contemplating my prose. You are now familiar with my occasional harshness though you will know this comes from a deep and profound hope for the potential of humanity. This desire for improvement and my belief in the ability to transform began with my own miraculous metamorphoses into the glamorous being you know and love. My words of encouragement have been acknowledged with various compliments and the odd nomination for this or that award and I have helped inspire the United States to elect the first black President of America, a president who embodies the optimism of a once lost generation, I have offered solutions to solve knife crime, and helped advise Britney Spears through her recent decline and recovery.

The main motivation for my words is to promote the power of glamour and its remarkable ability to infuse the disheartened with new found strength and vitality, though importantly not at the expence of inner wisdom, I believe that true glamour is an outer reflection of internal wisdom and intelligence and it is this that I hope to communicate to you my Dearest Darlings.

One only need look at the news today to see that the pursuit of glamour offers escape and inspiration. Jade Goody became a bride yesterday, struggling with her increasing weakness she was determined to walk down the aisle looking fabulous perhaps for the last time. The fact that she had to do this marrying a questionable man is perhaps a shame though it is the pursuit of mythical glamour that Jade no doubt sort, an example of the ability to look ones best even in the harshest of circumstance being a statement of resistance to a cruel world.

Last night The Academy Awards once again demonstrated their role to enliven the dire lives of the masses. I in my esteemed role as ex-fashion model and glamour-puss Tweeted my opinions live! Twitter is new to me, I am still a little perplexed by it, come and follow Ms Coco LaVerne if you dare! I in my wisdom deemed the style champions Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, together they harked back to the glamour of yesteryear, Angelina looking remarkable in a black gown perfectly accentuated with striking emerald earrings. Sarah-Jessica Parker and Penelope Cruz were amongst those that donned the pearl and cream fairy tale gowns. Heidi Klum demonstrated a trend for scarlet red, her gown with architectural detailing set off with some interesting jewels looked rather fabulous though I felt her hair style failed to flatter. Kate Winslet won an Oscar and looked elegant though I enjoyed her silhouette I found the black lace detailing less pleasing to the eye, her hair was perfectly quaffed held in place with a barely visible hair net which only just managed to avoid dinner lady comparisons. Fashion disasters included Sophia Loren whose butterscotch dress emphasised her teak tan a little too effectively. Natalie Portman looked beautiful though I felt the colour of her gown overwhelmed her delicate frame.

Sadly the gorgeous Alicia Keys looked a little overwhelmed by a similar coloured gown and a hairstyle that owned her rather than she it!

So My Darlings One Year on I aim to displease, disgruntle and dismay with my perplexing mix of fashion comment, style advice and cultural criticism! In the forthcoming year I hope to continue dishing up hearty portions worthy of your vast appetite.

With Love and Thanks Ms Coco LaVerne x

Death Becomes Her

2009-02-16T04:23:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, the tale of Jade Goody is a troubling contemporary fable, from uneducated dental technician to uneducated TV reality star, to uneducated multi-million pound 'business' woman. Jade Goody has been battling cancer over the last few months, every aspect of this tragic story has been played out publicly, from the shocking diagnosis revealed on the Indian version of Big Brother to the TV documentary that followed her chemotherapy and subsequent hair-loss. The same tatty tabloids that once depicted Jade Goody as a pig and chastised her for her lack of general knowledge are clambering to follow her terrible decline. Even now her wisdom is called into question as she continues to parade herself throughout the media in a desperate bid to secure her children's future, hoping to fund an education for her children an education that she so desperately lacked.

It is difficult not to see Jade Goody as a victim of your culture and her circumstance, from dysfunctional childhood to dysfunctional adulthood her humble beginnings have been the making of her, an 'innocent' profoundly out her depth so often has managed to transform herself into a brand now so ubiquitous in your culture. Jade Goody has frequently blundered, her racist rant on Celebrity Big Brother forced her to personally learn from her mistakes and remarkably encouraged a nation to explore it's own racism, even encouraging global political debate. Jade Goody has become a cypher, she has enabled you to vicariously learn about the pitfalls and complexities of contemporary life. Though just another neglected child bought up in a world where parenting is so undervalued she has become an example of a long list of tabloid made superstars who continue to exploit their fame, churning out needless scents and ghost written biographies to a public who aspire to fame and fortune hoping to achieve a superficial version of cultural acceptance.

The media in it's hypocrisy and cynical exploitation of these figures revel in the objectification of the meek. The journalists and commentators that once decried Jade Goody are jolted out of there continual reduction of this flailing example of humanity. And are forced to acknowledge her as just another version of you. Jade's legacy it seems is to vastly increase the awareness of cancer and encourage women to attend the screenings that are designed to catch the disease early. In her death she will save lives, many lives by suffering so publicly. The quest for fame is an inexplicable desire to achieve immortality, in this macabre case Jade's mortality may secure her own mythological future as an Icon. A figure that represents a moment in popular culture when you esteemed the most mundane of citizens. This remarkable tale reveals the power of the press and it's ability to transform the normal into the important irrespective of class or education.

Whether Jade Goody will reach the ranks of other female icons that have tragically died young remains to be seen, though this 'Poster Girl' for an age of reality stars is bound to represent the ultimate reality of humanity; that your life will end. It is difficult to believe that Jade Goody has taught you such important lessons, though this is your plight, to come to terms with the insignificance and fleeting nature of your time on this planet.

One thing is certain, tragically cancer has and will touch all your lives at some point. I send love and support to Jade Goody's loved ones and to each and everyone of you that has been affected by this disease.

Sincerely Ms Coco LaVerne x

Powder!

2009-02-03T05:01:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, The jaw dropping and dramatic snowfall that has beset most of the UK has caused a bit of a rumpus. Transport has drawn to a virtual halt, airports are shut-down and schools, colleges and universities have been forced to close, all a bit of fuss and nonsense over a little snowfall though the joy and wonder this unexpected weather encourages is understandable as it has the magical and awe inspiring ability to turn the most down trodden and neglected neighbourhoods into a Dickensian winter wonderland. A vandalised and burnt out car becomes a frosty igloo, a barren and abandoned wasteland is transformed into a white canvas capturing a multitude of imprints of fox, bird and human wanderer, momentarily the ground becomes a method of recording the fleeting movements of a population. From Eton quadrangle to inner-city playground your whole country is suddenly democratised by a white blanket of tiny six pronged ice crystals.

If ever proof were needed that a light sprinkling of powder had the ability to transform it is now, when your grubby streets are metamorphosed into an arctic vision of twinkling white. And so with this meteorological enhancement as example, I turn to imparting you with some much needed knowledge of cosmetic trickery so you too can enjoy the ability to transform not your streets but yourselves.

It may surprise you that despite evidence to the contrary I too was once seduced by the vast array and quantity of make-up choices, I frequently selected the most inappropriate colours and textures to adorn my wonderfully refined features. It was only with much trial and error and an obvious aptitude that I became attuned with the full and unending power of Estee Lauder and Max Factor. So it is for this reason I am qualified to distribute my bronzing pearls of wisdom to you, Dearest Reader.

Preparation: I have before enlightened you on this subject so I refer you to this post. When one has exfoliated, buffed and moisturised a good product is useful. For any enhancement to begin one needs a sturdy ground using a base or foundation. If you’re blessed with flawless skin tone and are free from blemish then be sure to use a light base that coheres your face. If the surface of your skin resembles a pot holed country lane then you may need more substantial help from Chanel. It does help to source a good product and take care to match your skin tone if you spend a little more on the base it is easier to scrimp on the more frivolous products, such as moderately priced eye shadow. I find it helps to apply in the harshest of light, as if you can create a pleasing look there it will work absolutely anywhere!

Once a flawless base is achieved your goal is to soften harsh and irregular angles and emphasise the very few attributes you possess. General beauty philosophy suggests that even features, bright eyes and plump full lips are the main components of a beautiful face. Your arduous journey to beauty is sure to have many pitfalls and obstacles though my Dearest Darlings I am here to help.

In order to begin you must first understand the architecture of your face, you must learn to fully appreciate the many jarring angles that litter your dowdy little expressions. For the simple minded this task is challenging so I have designed a simple trick that will enable you to ascertain the defects that may in most cases be rectified with make-up. This task not only assists in the evaluation of your face but also helps with the assessment of your present make up skills which will more than likely be poor.

Insert a picture of your self into your computer and rotate, flip, and reverse it, take the opportunity to examine your face from all angles. You will be able to see the obvious blunders made by Mother Nature afresh; with new eyes! Your upper and lower lip size will seem different and less even, your eyebrows will seem odd and misshapen, your nose will appear to bend in a different direction, this is all completely normal. No human face is totally symmetrical, if it were it would look offensive! When flipping and reversing your face on the computer you will learn which areas need some augmentation.

Nativity by Geertgen tot Sint Jans

Technique: ‘Chiaroscuro’ is a term used in fine art to refer to high definition blending that has the remarkable ability to evoke a sense of highlight and depth often on a two dimensional ground. It is this technique you must become adept in to shade your eyes, to suggest your brows are raised and free from wrinkle, it is this skill of highlighting and shade that will enable you to accentuate your cheek bones and emphasise your piggy little eyes. Like great artists before you, you must invest in quality set of brushes in a variety of sizes from small to medium to large. The smaller brushes are designed for you to place any pigment in the desired area the larger help you blend the line to create the illusion of natural shade. Remember at all times that each application of tone must have a purpose, be it to highlight or shade. The more natural the look you desire the less contrast is needed, so rather than black to white use a taupe to pearl tone.

A darker line above the upper lid will have the ability to create a hooded seductive lid and raise the brow in a cool and aloof arch. A peach blush dusted on the apple of your cheek bone will warm your face and help create a suggestion of bone structure even on the most flabby of faces.

So ends your introductory lesson into the fine art of make-up application. Your first mission should you choose to accept it is to purchase an array of brushes and practice your blending skills. I will endeavour to guide you through the execution of specific looks in my next lesson.

With Love your Teacher Ms Coco LaVerne x

Please be My Valentine!

2009-01-30T12:24:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings. As February begins Valentine’s Day decorations are ostentatiously daubed throughout your supermarkets and garage forecourts, restaurants promote romantically themed dinners for two, it is almost impossible to escape heart shaped reminders of the cultural duty to your loved ones. The lucky few who have managed to ensnare a like minded 'significant other' are encouraged to celebrate their mutually beneficial relationship. Under the golden hue of candle light, chocolates, flowers and oysters are declared essential for you to truly appreciate the joy and wonder of Saint Valentine’s Day.

Compulsory dinner dates, needless proposals of marriage, declarations of undying love are symptomatic of this mass delusion. The Valentine Day machine releases you from actually thinking about the true nature of love as this ubiquitous industry supplies thought free templates for those of you bereft of even the slightest romantic idea in your tiny raddled brains. Cards are red satin and over sized with depictions of bestial love intended to metaphorically echo your own vision of ‘loves young dream’. Infantile ‘cuddly’ toys are emblazoned with ‘hug me’ or ‘love me’ or ‘I love you’. Cutesy Cupid's arrows are jettisoned into your cultural landscape creating a nauseating parade of thoughtless sentimental platitudes dripping with clichéd insincerities. Thoughtless bunches of cheap red roses are quickly purchased and stuffed into the grasping hands of the needy. All creativity is ignored as the love sick and infatuated blindly and obediently follow St Valentines autocratic rule.

Even the few of you that are canny enough to see through this cynical marketing campaign internally writhe against the duty to court, terrified of the potential guilt of neglecting to organise an appropriate signifier that truly sums up the depth of your love. In another cultural celebration of heterosexuality the boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife union is esteemed yet further, romantically themed advertisements and campaigns are forced into your glazed eyes as you are forced to contemplate the quality of your relationships.

If you dare not to, you face the wrath and fury of your loved one, resentment and feelings of neglectful abandonment are bound to follow your forgetfulness. One or both of you have been programmed to believe that all your pathetically mindless peers will receive a stupendously romantic trinket or gesture that will outshine your own pathetic attempts at seduction. You desperately hurtle towards this mass delusion hoping to be involved with the orgiastic and celebratory love making marathon due to commence on February 14th.

How sweet to be seduced at a time when all of your culture demands it.

The happy couples that believe they are turning their back on such cultural brain washing are able to satisfactorily slumber in the comfort of society’s approval of their true sweet love. The once single can breathe a sigh of relief content in the knowledge that they are no longer in the barren wasteland of singledom. The single and alone are cast adrift, downgraded and shunned by a culture that sees no use for them at this time of romantic reverie.

Though what is Love? Love songs have addressed it, poems and sonnets have explored it and many continue to pursue it’s lofty ideals, though most have experienced it at some point the reality involves a mutual delusion that you have at last met your love match, your soul mate, your one and only. Though it seldom lasts and when it ends you’re once again transported to the mental wretchedness that is solo existence, made all the more painful by the constant promotion of conjugal bliss.

Of course the reality is less rose tinted; arguments, rejection, betrayal and infidelity all play on the flip side of a ‘million love songs’. Those of you that exist in despair are allowed on this day to bathe in the sorrow of a love lost, you are able to shed rivers of tears in an ocean of eternal loneliness. Hoping against all odds for your own customised Hollywood ending that so perpetually promotes the ‘Happy Ever After’ ideal!

Those of you that have miraculously managed to maintain a marriage or relationship would be wise to ignore such trappings, an occasional unexpected gesture throughout the year will help cement a true love. No need for you to buckle under the pressure of the tidal wave of red roses and heart shaped confectionary.

Whatever you do on this ridiculous day I hope that you are able to see through the propaganda and enjoy your own unique version of love.

With Love, The Superbly Flawless Ms Coco LaVerne X

At Last!

2009-01-23T08:03:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings! At last Barack Obama has become America’s president. It seems that the whole world witnessed the inauguration, millions flooded to Washington DC and millions more watched on TV to celebrate the potential dawn of a new age, Obama’s speech for the first time in years showed that an American president is able to display warmth and intelligence.

As commentators rush to reflect on the meaning of this historic development I feel it is my solemn duty to add to the cacophony of voices. My perspective however is as unique as I am beautiful. So what does Barack Obama mean?

I will start with offering an interpretation of what he does not mean. He does not mean the end of racism. Hundreds of years of brutal slavery and the destruction of the beautiful continent of Africa will not be irradiated by this symbolic instatement. Culturally black citizens of the world are still struggling with their position in a world that once abused them, the legacy of slavery is still reinterpreted through each generation of young black people who are forced to come to terms with the harsh realities of a ‘civilised’ world that they helped construct though are cruelly ostracised from. Some understandably react angrily to this truth, forced to reflect on a society that has abused there forefathers so harshly creates a feeling of disempowerment, alienation, injustice and rage, after all it is just a few decades ago that to be a member of the black community meant being considered a second class citizen.

The brave (Obama included) have decided to transform their incredulity into positive action and challenge the stereotypes that run through the rings of society. These champions become themselves, fulfil their potential from the pursuit of education to raising decent citizens, it is of course the vast majority that challenge the white mass of intolerance. Mothers and fathers, uncles and aunts, doctors and teachers, lawyers and writers, families and communities forge themselves a position in your community. You may be under the impression that this is an out-dated discussion though culturally you are all still guilty of racism. Even the enlightened can not fight the cultural stereotyping that floods every corner of your world. Obama has created an inspiring alternative to this cultural delusion; this is why he means so much. This great man does not mean the end of racism though he could signify the beginning of a new phase in this journey from stupidity and ignorance.

Obama does not mean the end of all political intolerance; it is understandable that at the end of the Bush administration which displayed such an overwhelming lack of intelligence that Obama’s administration promises to embody lofty ideals of patience and enlightenment. Perplexingly the Reverend Ryan Warren performed the invocation for Obama at the ceremony, this controversial evangelist is notoriously homophobic and you may be disillusioned that Obama would sanction such a man to partake in this event, as a Democrat you expect he should shun this right wing bigot. You hope the decision to sanction such a figure is part of a wider context that you are not a party to. Obama has certainly surprised many by placing a wide selection of political view points in his administration, you hope this is for good reason, an example of embracing the best people for the job irrespective of their position.

Though this raises an interesting point, it is tempting for you to deem this first black president the champion for all the disenfranchised and given time, perhaps he will. Frequently various factions of the world equate their own passage from disempowerment with that of the black struggle for human rights, it is a seductive folly to quantify black experience with all other subjugated members of society, though feminists, gay rights campaigners and all champions of the alienated are unwise to compare black experience to that of their own. Each group that considers itself victimised in an unfair patriarchal and heteronormative society are guilty of this unhealthy position. The complexities of racism, misogyny, and homophobia are intrinsically different each with their own unique cruelties and injustices. Therefore it is unwise to assume that Obama will champion the rights of other groups simply because he is a member of a ‘minority’ himself, it is more likely however he will champion the subjugated because he is a good man, not a black man.

What Obama does represent is a complete overhaul of your visual landscape. This Iconic young, attractive and glamorous family have enlivened the global political landscape, across the globe the young are able to connect with the powerful in a new and exhilarating way. Of course you are used to seeing some diva or other jettisoned into some political event to in some way make it cool or hip. Though on this occasion the gap between the political and glamorous seemed entwined, the Obamas danced to Beyonce Knowles as if at a fairy tale wedding reception, the Obamas a perfect personification of Americas ‘first’ couple. When Beyonce sang ‘At Last’ at the Inaugural ball for Barack and Michelle it seemed dream like, an almost fictional climax to inauguration day. This fabulous singing diva was singing to her president a president that she and for the first time in almost a decade America could be proud of, this single performance crystallised this moment in time.

I like you hope that Obama will somehow fulfil his potential to be a great president, and I like you wait with bated breathe to see how this historic saga unfolds.

With much love the Amazing Ms Coco Laverne x

Happy New Fear!

2009-01-14T09:17:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, it is January and in the absence of any mental challenge designed to enhance and transform your mundane lives for the better you lazily turn to the assessment of your body’s potential for elegantly transporting you through the coming year. The winter months are harsh my dears, your blotched skin is weather worn and dehydrated, your hair has turned to frizz, your bloated bellies protrude and your aging bones creak under the pressure of your seasonal weight gain. Having recently thrown what little caution you have to the metaphorical wind you now rest your empty heads in your hands, despairing at the amount of weight that has gathered unattractively around your mid-riff.

Thankfully the New Year brings with it a gamut of minor celebrities releasing various fitness DVD’s, each depicting their miraculous transformation from fat bloated ‘has-been’ to newly re-generated example of physical perfection, this cynical ploy is intended to encourage you to slip your flabby forms into neon lycra and prance around your over decorated interiors to some pumping pop beat! Their triumph over the adversity of weight gain is designed to inspire and cajole you to throw what little money you have left into the pockets of the vast diet and fitness industry, an industry that exploits your perennial fear of being fat and unattractive post-party season.

However miraculous the makeover the guilty celebrities simply become thinner versions of themselves; usually superficial vacuous puppets for an industry designed to undermine and depress your plump little selves. I’m certain that whatever your limited aspirations are for the year ahead your swollen silhouettes are more than appropriate for the task. Do not let this insidious industry seduce you into believing that by purchasing some cheaply made ‘work-out’ DVD that you too will be able to bask in the cultural glory of such physical transformation.

All that is necessary to remove excess fat is to burn off more calories than you consume. That is it, no need for military exercise regime or sassily packaged DVD simply EAT LESS, and MOVE MORE; a sentiment that has interestingly been promoted by the British government who have just launched an advertising campaign, the message is suspiciously similar to my own comments on diet and health last year. Though to claim credit for such a concept would be crass in the extreme, sometimes good sense does trickle up to the echelons of power.

Good Luck to you all and much love as ever the perpetually svelte Ms Coco LaVerne x

Winter Wonderland

2009-01-06T07:37:00.001-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, I apologise for my extended absence, though I’m sure many of you would not have noticed as it is more than likely you have been seduced into celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ and the turning of a brand new year. This annual festive period invites the foolish to purchase unnecessary trinkets for the ungrateful. To cook feasts for the greedy and to generally celebrate the art of celebration. Some traditions may be rooted in some childhood training anchoring the dim witted into a sense of security and comfort. Though in this time of economic crisis, who am I to challenge you to question this yearly eviction of common sense?

I am yours; The Amazing Ms Coco LaVerne.

As I cast my all seeing eye across your society and culture it seems ever more apparent that these traditions insidiously seep misery into your world. For the lucky few who had cherished families and loved ones around them it may have been a time of cooperation and camaraderie inviting many jovial moments and the creation of shared memories, a pleasant respite from the daily drudgery of your inane lives.

Though for others the cost of such celebration is not just financial; undoubtedly the planning and organisation of such activity takes effort, an effort which may well have fallen to the matriarchal family figure. She had to liaise with in-laws, charm reluctant guests, perfectly source gifts, miraculously fashion a feast with limited resources and effortlessly lubricate the family Christmas, appearing to be totally and utterly in control whilst maintaining a sunny disposition. The majority of woman kind understandably failed to uphold this ideal of perfection and as result will wrestle with various levels of guilt and self-loathing for the first few weeks of 2009.

Young children were of course oblivious to such goings on, their only concern that they receive an impressive enough present worthy of boastful playground tittle-tattle. Older off-spring miraculously regressed into childhood roles as they returned to the family homestead. Transformed into surly, demanding teenagers their own developing demands required renewed diplomacy within the evolving family unit. It’s more than likely that the family patriarch took a back seat helping little and demanding much. As the Christmas collective blindly and obediently consumed too much the cracks were bound to show. For many, time with relations involves hidden resentment, subtle insult, thinly veiled personal attack and fake smiles through gritted teeth. A family Christmas is loaded with individuals placed in their own unique predetermined role, be it artificially induced joy or complete and utter despair these traditions are set on annual repeat.

Those of you without family feared the humiliation of a non-traditional Christmas. This global celebration originating from the production of the world’s most famous baby has evolved into the ultimate aphrodisiac. Under the total cultural saturation and the utterly nauseating promotion of the heterosexual family unit, the festive season seems designed to esteem the producers of family into deities. Casting the yet to achieve the mythical state of love and marriage as not quite completely adult. Single thirty something‘s return home, spouseless and childless greeted with unwanted sympathy from extended family who offer misplaced consolation and comfort.

Worse still than those that are yet to reproduce are those who refrain from engaging in ‘correct’ sexual practices, just before the Christmas season Pope Benedict reminded the world of the evils of Homosexuality: ‘A close reading of Pope Benedict’s annual Christmas address to cardinals at the Vatican makes clear that homosexual and transgender people are the targets of his comments on creation, order, gender and the manipulation of human nature. The Pope said that the Church had a duty to “protect Man from destroying himself”. He called for an understanding of the “ecology of Man” as well as of the environment and said that the “natural order” of human beings as man and woman should be respected. Gender theory had led Man away from God, and marriage, a way of life not permitted to Catholic priests, was a “sacrament of creation.” A message of hate just in time for Christmas, how festive and typical of a church designed to control and subjugate. Though interestingly Ironic that the Pope selected the campest and most ostentatious time of the year to shun those most well equipped to assist in celebrating it.

So as the twelfth night falls you collectively emerge from your own particular versions of the festive season, shell-shocked and war-worn you blink flinching into the light of the real, bloated and hung-over you seek refuge in the comfort of your own lives. Whatever your experiences you will undoubtedly field questions on the subject with diplomatic pleasantries, and such is the life you lead.

Luckily for you I am amongst the few that understand the truth.

With Love and Best Wishes for 2009, Ms Coco LaVerne x

The Vote

2008-11-21T08:08:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, In the UK the media have decided to focus a lot of their energy on a portly television personality prematurely leaving a show called ‘Strictly Come Dancing’. American celebrities have been engaging the media with something altogether different; the Proposition 8 debacle. Many of you will know nothing of this as it has barely been covered by the British press so allow me to enlighten you: Proposition 8 overrode a decision of the California Supreme Court made earlier in the year that recognised same-sex marriages. The intention of Proposition 8 was to eliminate the rights of same-sex couples to marry. The campaigns for and against Proposition 8 raised $35.8 million and $37.6 million, respectively, becoming the highest-funded campaign in the country except for the presidential campaigns. The proponents argued for exclusively heterosexual marriage, claiming that failure to change the constitution would require changes to the school curriculum and threaten church tax benefits. The opponents argued that eliminating the rights of any Californian and mandating that one group of people be treated differently from everyone else was unfair and wrong. The voting for ‘Prop 8’ as it became known took place around the same time as the presidential election and as a consequence main stream media appeared to overlook its importance, immediately after the voting there was much controversy regarding the legality of the vote irrespective of this the ballot was passed and same sex marriages are now no longer legally recognised in California which calls into question the ceremonies that have taken place since gay marriage was legalised a few months ago.

Support for the ‘No Campaign’ came from various sources, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie donated $100,000, Stars of TV’s Ugly Betty appeared in a campaign video, even the Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger supported the gay cause. Despite the celebrity endorsement the motion passed and celebrity big guns have continued their support, Drew Barrymore (above) attended one of the many marches and demonstrations that have occurred across the US. Darling Drew Barrymore is supporting something she believes in and clearly cares about and what a joy it is to see. As ever the occasional starlet has an ability to add some chutzpa to a cause.

American comedian and actor Wanda Sykes (above) has been encouraged by the debate to speak publicly about her own sexuality for the first time.

One of the many videos on the subject flying around the internet is Keith Olbermann’s (Above), a fascinating and passionate argument chastising the American people for allowing such injustice to occur. Though his delivery is a tad schmaltzy and dramatic I agree wholeheartedly! It seems that the election of a black president may have led Americans to believe that they once again have a modicum of influence on how their country is run.

In Britain the only vote you are concerned with is the vote for your favourite ‘X-Factor’ contestant or ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ celebrity or ‘I’m a celebrity…’ has-been. Whilst precious air time is donated to the rotund John Sergeant leaving a reality show that only the mind numbingly dull have any interest in, stories such as the one unfolding in America are ignored as it seems that you’re just not that interested. Perhaps this collection of videos has spurred you to pay more attention, though I doubt it. If it doesn’t concern you directly you’re probably not that bothered. If your own rights are threatened you may turn your slovenly head to pay slightly more attention to the TV, though it’s unlikely you’ll attend a march or write a letter or even discuss it with a treasured friend. As you’re all dead. Perhaps the few shining examples above have been created by years of leadership by the despicable President Bush. Much was the case with the heinous Thatcher her views so abhorred the intellgencia that political activism became the norm. Now your leader is OK, he’s alright! He’s not doing too badly.

My poor loves, do try and pay attention! today the rights of others are being eroded tomorrow it may be your own.

Much Love As Always Ms Coco LaVerne

Diva?

2008-11-12T12:28:00.001-08:00

My Dear Sweet Harmonious Darlings, Irrespective of category or style music has a miraculous ability to transport you out of your world; it may act as catalyst for the expression of your suppressed and puzzling emotions it may enable you to dream of departing the confines of your human condition, it may even encourage you to move your body to the funky beat. Orchestra, band, trio or solo act all are capable of metamorphosing instrument or voice into a beautiful and inexplicably wondrous language of transformation; as a result the performers of great music are often admired, esteemed and rewarded for their attempts to enrich the world of melody.

Predictably your petty differences and social hierarchies choose to esteem some music over others. Music becomes a tribal signifier demonstrating a notion of cultural superiority and assists in the self deception that you are the possessor of ‘good taste’. Some may fanatically follow a band at the cost of all others. Others may diminish some for the inability to select music that they define as ‘good’. Some may even chastise a generation for the absence of music they deem unfit for human consumption. Others simply value the technical achievement of a guitar solo where some may connect with the emotional expression communicated by a human voice in song.

As you would expect I would never demean another for their musical taste, I may not connect with your favourite musician or singer but I would never dream of suggesting that you were less able to identify ‘good’ music because you choose not to enjoy my preferred selection of audible delights. Music is utterly and completely subjective entwined with memory and personal experience, as unique as finger print or DNA.

As with most of your culture the ability to entertain in this marvellous way has been packaged, sold and marketed, as a consequence a multi billion pound industry has evolved. The capability to connect with humanity in a unique and special way through music has created mythical mega-stars and understandably many of you attempt to get in on the act.

In a world of instant gratification and immediate reward there are some whose need for cultural acceptance and limitless fortune gained by vast musical success is overwhelming. The utterly deranged amongst you already believe you are a star just waiting to rise, you think the world will be enriched by your musical contributions. And so you embark on your own personal route to sweet success. You may frantically enter talent shows to prove your worth, believing that you are capable of becoming an international star, being adored and admired for your perceived talents. One current destination for such proceedings is ITV’s ‘The X Factor’. Some of you wholeheartedly believe that you deserve the ‘transformative’ experience of cultural recognition so much of your population queue for hours in the rain to display your ‘talents’ to a panel of judges.

And so begins the exploitation of the meek and mentally challenged a plethora of sociopathic lunatics screech and holler in endless auditions, jumping through emotional hoops to prove their worth. Revealing personal tragedy and challenge to a drama hungry audience. The few contestants that survive the belittlement and humiliation are then deemed worthy of performing live to huge prime time audiences. A cast of childlike misfits, social rejects and pop star wannabes are forced punch drunk and bewildered onto a professional stage. Some will be loved others despised as each transforms before your eyes into a manufactured pop-starlet.

Weekly themed performances and perfunctory evictions whittle down the cast of warblers to what is believed to be the pinnacle of performers. In an additional cruelty and as if to tease the desperate clambering amateurs with promised success the show’s producers regularly wheel out bona fide pop stars. in the most recent episode Mariah Carey (top) deigned to honour the show with her presence. One must assume that the program makers anticipated that the attendance of Ms Carey would inspire the debutantes into delivering the performance of a life time though unexpectedly Ms Carey revealed the travesty of her iconic standing as legendary Diva. Her performance of a song I cannot remember was so unbelievably underwhelming that this ‘legend’ had no more presence than a cardboard cut-out, teetering on heels in which she could barely walk and sewn into a dress she could hardly move in, she inexplicably revealed the inadequacies of her ‘Diva’s’ status and called into question the very industry these youngsters are clamouring to be a part of.

As contestant, judge and presenter laid undeserved praise on to the highly polished shoulders of Ms Carey the whole pop landscape appeared to crumble with the unexpected eviction of Laura White (above) widely believed to be a favourite to win the ‘coveted’ title of ‘The X Factor’ champion. Subsequently outrage has followed and campaigns are afoot to reinstate one of the few potentially talented contestants, though of course this is the nature of the beast, shock, revelation and drama everyday fodder at the cost of the dim witted contestants that place their heads on the chopping block of Saturday night TV.

What this episode unexpectedly revealed was the qualitative closeness of the amateur and professional. Ms Carey has spent several years happily inhabiting Diva status and as a result has jettisoned her uniqueness, she is now just a shell of her former self and has forgotten the desperation that fuelled her earlier performances which originally enabled her to escape her own modest beginnings, regrettably she is now guilty of continuously re-enacting the egomaniacal persona of ‘Mariah Carey’.In contrast the contestants of ‘The X factor’ are still just moments from the gutter, the threat of violent ejection onto the streets they came from imminent, each fights savagely for survival. Most are appalling but some female voices have been able to emote the feeling of their own personal journey and on Saturdays show the distance between professional and amateur shrank. These women miraculously performed the determination to maintain a dream they believe can only be granted by the all powerful ‘X Factor’, this reality is questionable but the authenticity of vocal performance contrasted starkly with the contrived and cynical performance of Ms Carey.

True Diva status is informed by an inexplicable and amorphous performance of authenticity. Truth in performance goes beyond all categories and is present in such individuals that are generally considered to possess greatness. Even in the defunct realms of the talent show potential Divas have been revealed, Leona Lewis (above), Jennifer Hudson just two examples. Some may baulk at the suggestion that these voices are worthy of Diva status though they have managed to articulately express the misery of contemporary life in a modern context more successfully than Mariah Carey, whose amnesia has deemed her mute in the expression of anything other than her contempt for you the public that persist in buying her vacuous product.

From Judy Garland to Billie Holiday (above) many have inspired the docile by communicating versions of their own personal hell. You so desperately need beacons of hope in your emotional turmoil, some form of comfort in the dark, where better to attain such consolation than in the tender tones of a beautifully authentic human voice in song.

Much Love as Always Ms Coco LaVerne x

Barack Obama!

2008-11-05T10:54:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Darlings, it is of course a momentous time. As the American population emerges from its self imposed slumber there is at last promise of a bright new president, a welcome alternative to the utterly repugnant, ridiculously stupid, notoriously ignorant; President George W. Bush.

Obama has utilised his intelligence, youthful good looks and undeniable appeal to successfully seduce and beguile a cynical globe tired of the rhetoric of fear perpetuated by the Republicans. Today Obama is touched by the romantic aspirations of fresh new love. You will predictably gaze adoringly into the eyes of the man you believe to be ‘the one’, Obama will never again seem as handsome and unblemished as he does today! His words will never seem as heartfelt and genuine, his dreams will never be more like your dreams.

You hope his achievements will be numerous and that his promise of change will come to fruition though his first and most important achievement is becoming the first black President of The United States of America. Never before has such a commanding symbol of cultural transformation come to power. There is now an alternative aspirational role model for the black population of the world, at last a convincing substitute to the gun toting, bitch slapping stereotype so unfailingly perpetuated by your popular culture. Admittedly there have been small steps towards changing these stereotypes, just this week Lewis Hamilton became the youngest and first black Formula 1 Champion, a worthy achievement of course, though sport has long been one of the few sanctioned domains of young black men, in athletics and basketball massive success is almost expected, creating its own peculiar stereotype. Despite the outgoing Presidents blatant and embarrassing ineptitudes the American presidency still has a significance that outshines most others. President Obama will become ‘leader of the free world’.

Here in the UK you will remain cautious as you have previously fallen for similar optimism, when Tony Blair gained power in the 1997 election his promises were grandiose and idealistic though the British have more cynical hearts, often reluctant to fall too deeply in love. When your optimism turned to disappointment the savvy amongst you suspected as much. Blair’s government was just another governed by white middle class men who easily gain the power and continue to dishearten and deceive.

Obama’s legacy will at the very least be the visually iconic achievement of being the first black man to sit at the Oval Office, a massive tectonic cultural change unimaginable just a decade ago. I for one wish Obama and America well and hope that the damage done by blundering George W. Bush can be repaired. Domestically it will be a challenge, internationally it will take innovation and commitment though it appears that Obama has the glamour and wit to achieve the miraculous.

Much will be said and many comments will be made over the next months, though today, for once, I choose to suspend my disgust with humanity and dare to hope that you can do better. All that is necessary is a sprinkle of unbridled child-like optimism and the assistance of a magnificently glamorous and inspirational beacon, though enough about me; this is President Barack Obama’s day.

Much Love Ms Coco LaVerne x

Trick or Treat?

2008-10-29T06:04:00.001-07:00

My Dear Sweet Darlings, it is Halloween on Friday! With this tedious season of trick and treat comes an avalanche of culturally sanctioned high jinx and malicious misdemeanour, your shops are filled with an arsenal of weapons, costumes and accessories to assist. You then innocently parade your sweet little tots through dimly lit suburban streets dressed as flesh eating zombies or monstrous chimeras, you mischievously knock on the doors of the neighbour you barely know and either nonchalantly demand reward for your offspring or senselessly sanction punishment at the hands of them. All in the name of a culturally diluted ritual that is part of a bastardised festival that you have no desire or interest in properly understanding.

This early promotion of mischief is something you hope your toddler will grow out of as if they do not disaster may follow. Your sweet little monsters may grow up to congregate on street corners terrifying the meek, they may set fireworks off frightening local cats and dogs. Regrettably if careless, their toy explosives may unexpectedly blast into their face dissolving their sweet little expressions, transforming their angelic smiles into hideous distorted versions of the Halloween masks they once wore. They may even make ‘hilarious’ prank calls to the fire department suggesting that there is a life threatening blaze taking control of 32 Main Street. A fire engine may urgently race to the location only to realise that some adolescent thug has made yet another a hoax call, sadly across town a family will perish in a fire un-extinguished by otherwise engaged firemen.

You hope your teenage reprobate will grow out of this abuse, humiliation and vandalism as it is not what proper adult society involves. Though you would of course be wrong as is proved presently with the account of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand who have managed to get themselves into a ‘bit of a pickle’ by publicly making a prank call, much to the hilarity of their BBC Radio 2 audience.

This terrible twosome has somewhat prematurely ejaculated their humorous antics on to the airwaves though the consequences are perfectly timed for the Halloween Holiday. In my usual unwavering research I listened to the phone calls in question made to the answering machine of Andrew Sachs. It is, as one would expect a childish outburst which most offensively regards the possible sexual conquest of Andrew Sachs granddaughter, Georgina Baillie by the famously philandering Russell Brand.

What is surprising about this particular news story is not the offensive misogyny displayed by Mr Ross and Mr Brand; it is not the bad taste in which it was delivered, nor that the BBC so inefficiently mishandled the incident. What is most surprising is the astonishment that has been displayed by the country. An article appearing on-line received over 18,000 “outraged of Shepard’s Bush’ type remarks. The ‘outrage’ amazingly garnered comment at the House of Commons, raised a statement from David Cameron and even induced the Prime Minister Gordon Brown to react, all of whom chastised the BBC for allowing the pre-recorded show to be broadcast and calling for the presenters to be punished and/or sacked for their atrocious and unacceptable behaviour.

Once again your culture displays a quite remarkable hypocrisy and you lap it up obediently, claiming that you’re outraged and insulted, demanding that the vastly overpaid Mr Ross and slightly less vastly overpaid Mr Brand are instantly thrown out of the BBC for their utter disrespect.

I am in no way defending the particularly smarmy Jonathan Ross, I am no fan of this personality and have a very low opinion of his Friday Night show an opinion I expressed here some weeks ago. Mr Brand is a little less offensive, his intelligence and wit is undeniable though I do not approve of his disregard for the feelings of the women he so publicly pursues. Though the BBC has employed these personalities because of their offensive idiosyncrasies, they frequently display their misogyny ands occasional homophobia and manage to generally offend but it is for this behaviour that they have achieved their success. A success that is both depressing and abhorrent to my own disposition though it is your culture and you have become used to wallowing in its viciousness.

I suggest the reason for the feigned outrage is that Ross and Brand have violently penetrated the traditional suburban home stead of the revered white grandparent. In calling the home of this 78 year old veteran actor to make prurient remarks regarding his granddaughter the pair entered the domain of the ‘old school tie’. Where humour is only allowed when aimed elsewhere! It is acceptable to witness the defilement of women when one is sat glazed in front of a TV screen as long as it is not ‘their’ woman. It is when comedians enter the world of the white patriarchal male that outrage erupts. This is why Cameron stepped in, why Brown called time and why the BBC will have their wrist slapped.

Comic actor Andrew Sachs failed to see the irony in this invasion, he who began his career lampooning a Spanish waiter in Fawlty Towers a seventies sit-com famed for its depiction of a xenophobic hotelier. Sadly the vast majority of your so-called comedy and satire is aimed everywhere but where it is needed most at your bloated white ‘gentlemen’ that grotesquely slump in their evening arm chairs chuckling at anyone but themselves.

In the continuation of this Halloween themed tale Georgina Baillie also happens to be known as ‘Voluptua’ an alter ego that performs with the ‘Satanic Sluts’ together they perform as pole dancing vampires. She has already placed herself on the sacrificial table by agreeing to be interviewed by The Sun Newspaper. And so begins the vilification and sacrifice of a young woman struggling to find her way in a world that despises femininity unless it is packaged, controlled and exploited by the patriarchal masses.

So beware little children, tricks and treats may seem like harmless hocus pocus though the hypocrisy and double standards of your society punish the foolish who fail to understand society’s amorphous rules and regulations.

Happy Halloween

Much Love Ms Coco Laverne X

Bonnie and Clyde

2008-10-27T17:03:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, This Morning’s Philip Schofield and Fern Britton have undoubtedly become national institutions, their on screen chemistry and occasional blunders have endeared them to the nation. They have become the ‘Bonnie and Clyde’ of daytime TV by gently challenging the daytime modus operandi with double entendres and play ground innuendo. Their platonic friendship is an example to you all and is a welcome alternative to the married TV couples that so dominate your day-time screens.

Their cultural defiance knows no bounds Mr Schofield bravely ceased to dye his hair brown and now basks in his new found Silver Fox status. Ms Britton caused Furore with her ‘secret’ gastric band operation and despite being accused of duping the viewers into believing her weight loss was simply due to healthy diet and regular exercise miraculously continues to stand for sincerity and decency.

When Philip Schofield and Fern Britton recently clashed with Ms Kerry Katona it was a perfect realisation of the so called ‘Car Crash TV’ moment. Millions of you watched slack jawed as Ms Katona tripped and fumbled over her ill chosen words, a side effect of a prescription drug taken to treat an apparent bi-polar disorder. I am of course surprised that anyone would notice a change in this woman’s diction; she is a step up from a fish-wife at best and is hardly known for her sultry toned elocution. Despite this the concerned amongst you rang the show desperately fearful for her well being.

Philip Schofield and Fern Britton demonstrated their bravery by challenging Ms Katona, they managed to simultaneously confront and charm the catastrophic Z-lister with a series of carefully crafted and generously diplomatic questions. Though she squirmed and ‘drunkenly’ fought her corner their enquiries could hardly be seen as attack, though a subsequent statement claimed that Kerry had felt affronted by the line of questioning. Consequently a battle of popularity has waged on-line, on-air and on TV though general opinion and sympathy continues for ‘Philip and Fern’ who are set to reign supreme in this particular battle of the innocuous.

By appearing on This Morning in such a sorry state Kerry Katona has sabotaged her delicate public position and has foolishly dared to challenge this mighty daytime duo by claiming that they are at fault! She has even had the audacity to say she is no longer a ‘friend of the show’. This female personification of ineptitude has stupidly burnt her bridges, as this stalwart daytime fixture is the place to publicly rebuild ones cracked and crumbled reputation.

If her recent display was a ‘car crash’ she should now be in the pit stop getting an overhaul. Her recent disastrous television appearance was intended to promote her most recent make-over and the related titillating TV show though it is not a physical transformation she needs. This pitiful shell of a woman is sure to end up on the slag heap of post celebrity unless she rebuilds her personality and her onscreen friendship with the thoroughly decent ‘Philip and Fern’.

Once again a tale to warn the ill prepared of the tribulations of the fame game, a tale I astutely predicted would continue to spiral out of control here where I offer a more sympathetic reading of the poor girl, though this particular personality is in danger of losing the support of you! The ones that created her!

Once again Bravo to Philip and Fern whose sincerity and heartfelt concern is unending and barely worthy of those of you who so ungratefully receive it!

Much Love as Always

Ms Coco LaVerne x

Like a "Horse and Carriage"

2008-10-21T06:07:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, Madonna and Guy Ritchie have confirmed that they will divorce; the news finally made the headlines last week after months of rumour. And so the endless unsubstantiated speculation begins, gossip columnists and showbiz commentators dash in to the nearest television station to offer their ‘expert’ opinion to you, the viewing public.

For months like vultures circling their prey the pundits have been eyeing from above the marriages apparent decline. As the couple collectively fall to their feet and crash on to the barren desert of their emotional despair the cackling raptors swoop in. At last the mighty partnership has fallen and they are ready to pick over the carcass, every last morsel is rapidly dragged back, to be dissected and analysed by you the baying pack. You cry for answers: What went wrong? Why has it failed? Who is at fault? Why do I care?

I your gorgeous, glorious servant am not surprised by your desperation for answers. Your societal structure esteems marriage, Right wing politicians adore claiming that it is the social glue that holds your world together. They suggest that without the social framework of marriage your culture would crumble into a dystopian hell. Left wing politicians are less prescriptive and are more likely to celebrate all partnerships. Recently Britain’s Left wing government were ‘generous’ enough to allow gay couples to replicate marriage by enabling them a legally binding civil partnership.

As a result of this governmental and cultural promotion, marital success is one of the most important gauges of your social standing. If alone you exist in Singledom, you inhabit the domain of the touchingly tragic loser in love that has somehow been unable to keep the mate you have temporarily lured into your boudoirs. Lone ladies or solitary gentlemen you all pathetically wander the desolate landscape of your romantic lives pleading to the skies for a significant other. Even the most glamorous and astonishing who have failed to find a lasting mate somehow evoke a groan of sympathy from a society that values marriage so highly.

The perpetually unmarried Kylie Minogue

The married amongst you are content in the knowledge that you have found your soul-mate and are smugly satisfied with a society that approves of you. You live in a world of double dinner dates and romantic holidays. Publicly you’re a partnership, a team, a double act. Privately you desperately clamour for the nebulous condition known as marital bliss. Some of you may achieve this mythical state of tender voiced compliments and perpetual love-making, you are amongst the blessed. The majority of you attempt to maintain a marriage with a combination of communication and compromise with determination and commitment you will succeed in creating a long and happy life together.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Those of you unable to sustain lasting matrimonial contentment will reluctantly choose to end your partnership. Your faith in each other and the institution of marriage will be shattered, your belief in love truly tested. It is then that you face returning to the dreaded world of TV dinners and holiday surcharges. The disintegration of this most private of partnerships will be made all the more painful due to the endless speculation of your family, friends, and neighbours. Your hitched chums will speak in hushed tones, your married colleagues will look on sympathetically, husbands and wives will lament the diminishment of the institution they hold so dear.

Your single friends will speed to your side, comforting you, whilst chastising your ex, blaming marriage for its ineptitudes and celebrating the solo hedonistic lifestyle they are so bored of. Their eternal misery made more bearable with another single citizen to strengthen the never ending quest to find their other half.

To whatever camp you belong you hope to glean some insight into the failings of others, so you can avoid similar pitfalls. This is the reason for your malicious Madonna vs. Guy curiosity, the tabloids and magazines will claim they have uncovered the truth though they will not; it will be chit chat and hearsay “sources close to the couple” will have no more idea about the reasoning for the divorce than you or I. The only sure way to understand is to speak to the couple themselves, though it is improbable that the Ritchies will pop round and explain the breakdown of their marriage to the likes of you.

Consequently you will never understand the reasons for the successes or failures of this particular marriage or for that matter any other as these matrimonial unions are a closed book to anyone other than those concerned. Madonna may rant, and Guy may rage, though they are merely expressing the remorse of losing their trusted ally. You’re not going to learn a thing by living vicariously through others conjugal calamities the only true route to understanding your own union is to listen and learn from your own faults and misdemeanors. With luck you will avoid destroying your present or future marriage by paying heed to your self, not by imbibing the poisonous gossip of others.

Batchelor, spouse or spinster I wish you well.

With love the Amazing Ms Coco LaVerne x

Great Expectations

2008-10-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, despite your universal indifference and quite remarkable ineptitudes I inexplicably feel that it is my duty to enlighten your dour lives; my intention is to inspire and educate as you are so clearly ill equipped to function in the modern world. As an enigma and personification of glamour and sophistication I am naturally bestowed with an other worldly gift, one that I have spent years perfecting and honing to become the enchantment that you see before you, though in your abjection I fear that I must be careful not to inspire you beyond your humble resources.

Ubiquitous aspirational marketing and promotional material lubricate your now flailing economies with glossy advertisements and extravagant movies, these tools are populated with ‘perfect’ human beings that scrape away your crumbling self esteem and constantly dictate that you must succeed. You look to your peers; talentless, dumpy, plebeians and barely educated reprobates, despite their vast limitations a minority of even these examples of humanity have somehow managed to scale the ladder of success, they have the attributes and possessions you have been conditioned to crave. You then look to yourself; “if them, why not me?” And so begins the inevitable journey to envy, despair and total self-hatred.

This conditioning began when the quest for equality drove societies to end the suppression of the working classes, since these revolutions you have been told to have expectations. You have been challenged to make the most of yourself. You have been encouraged to self educate in order to fulfil your potential. At one time aspiration and achievement was the preserve of the privileged elite, they expected to easily gain the immense wealth and power that was handed to them on a silver platter. You, the majority had no expectations and were totally resigned to your lot, content in the knowledge that your short hard lives would soon end, your rewards would come in the next life; in Heaven. Now God is dead and ‘life is not a rehearsal’, this is your only chance to be the best you can be.

Since these new found rights and equalities, the eradication of the Victorian workhouse, the removal of the slums of yesteryear and countless other modern inventions that prevent illness and disease your life has been enchanted. Modern civilisation has arrived, you have never been richer almost all of you have luxuries beyond anything a child of the workhouse could have imagined. Cheap and affordable food, plentiful clothing and running hot water are within reach of the vast majority of you. Yet still you are left with an overwhelming malady, a restlessness, an unease, still you’re desperate for more, you want cars and houses and signifiers of success and you have the audacity to demand respect, admiration even worship from the world around you.

The problem is this; when once a person would know their place, their expectations were low, so disappointment was minimised, at one time great achievement would be feeding the family or raising a child to adulthood, now achievement is world domination in your chosen field, aspiration has no limit, you all foolishly believe that it is your right to have unlimited wealth and recognition, you secretly harbour imaginings of massive success, you dream of becoming a star or a business tycoon when you are probably just typically adequate. My advice for a long and contented life is to accept your obvious limitations with good grace as it is more than likely that your aspirations massively outweigh you’re aptitudes.

Much Love the Amazingly Humble Ms Coco LaVerne x

Crimes and Misdemeanours

2008-10-12T05:11:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, I in my immense and un-ending wisdom have an affection for simpler times when a star was a star, Marlene Dietrich, Greta Garbo, Rita Hayworth and the like had a certain allure and mystery that is no longer plausible in today’s media saturated world.

The legends of the past stood for moral superiority, whether they were indeed morally superior is immaterial, their infidelities and social errors were masked by ‘The Studio’ machine. Within Hollywood circles all sorts of gossip and rumour mongering oiled the passages of the back lots. Though at the time you knew nothing of it, all that mattered was that their image remained intact, flawless and perfect. Subsequently the truth has been revealed about the true lives of Judy Garland, Joan Crawford, Rock Hudson and Marylyn Monroe etc. But it is not the pill popping child stars, the reported child abuse, the closeted homosexuals or the drug induced suicides I promote, the hypocritical moral confinement of the golden age of cinema is not what I champion. It is their mysterious existence that I believe you yearn for without realising.

It is true that these Icons of yesteryear represent an era of political intolerance; before feminism, before equal rights before your minorities were rightly championed these stars represented something that has almost completely gone; mysterious awe inspiring and magnificent Glamour. Outside of the studio that so oppressed the delicate psyches of the Icons of the thirties and forties the modern star has ‘thrown the baby out with the bath water’ the welcome revolution and freedom to manage their own careers has developed the antithesis of that era of haughty aloofness that captivated the masses.

The flip side of the extreme secrecy of that time is the modern pathological ‘over-sharing’ that is so prevalent with the Lindsey Lohans and Britney Spears of the world who now spew the vomit of their debauched lives into your media saturated eyes. Their meteoric rise and inevitable spiral out of control is unavoidable. The new generation happily reveal their naked freshly waxed genitals to your paparazzi; they make video recordings of the most private inter-personal relationships which then ‘mysteriously’ flow into your in-box or roll onto your news-feeds.

At one time the reporting of even the slightest peccadillo would endanger the career of an Icon now it appears to be a rite of passage. When Jane Fonda was arrested in the seventies the scandal reflected the generational mood for political activism. Ms Fonda represents the final generation of the famous who utilised their celebrity to challenge the status quo, it was her commitment to the anti-war movement that apparently got her arrested in 1970 an activism demonstrated in the below police mug-shot. Now the only cause your stars endorse is the ‘right to party’ and to drive home afterwards.

Heather Locklear may represent an older generation than I refer to here but the coverage of the story is typical of your time. When Ms Locklear was recently arrested for driving ‘under the influence’ her police mug-shot appeared everywhere it remains to be seen whether her problems will be overcome or perhaps reinvigorate her fading career. Robert Downey Jr has a veritable collection of these mug-shots; despite this his return to his previous acting glory this summer has it could be argued benefited from his dalliances with the law his ability to recover and re-establish his career has established that you’re happy to forgive and forget.

You may think that the disgraceful site of a once preened and glamorous celebrity being denied the usual privilege of make-up artist, tungsten lighting, and post production digital enhancement would be a harrowing experience for any star. Though this aesthetic is the de rigueur for Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and the like, this new generation are only too happy to exploit your tendency to excuse the occasional mishap. You need only examine the precocious smug expressions on the faces of these starlets to realise the cynical exploitation and flirtation with law-breaking that will later be packaged, marketed and sold to the scandal obsessed, a nauseating decline from the aspirational beginnings of stardom.

Long gone are the days when stars stood for anything other than excess and debauchery. Perhaps it is the over saturation of publicity that is responsible, once a modern starlet’s favourite colour has been ascertained and their current perfume promoted there is nothing left for them to say, these stars have no curiosity, no interest, no passion they are simply vacuous pretty shiny-ness which they cynically hope to deepen with a dark criminal lustre summed up in the law enforcement mug-shot.

Unfortunately the coverage of decline and subsequent recovery is typical tabloid fodder, one that you lap up with glee. The prurient microscope that presently dominates is now all encompassing, the era of mystery departed. This craving for every detail, every minute speck of knowledge of the lives of others has eradicated the belief that you can be better than you are, moral lethargy has become the norm. Restraint and temperance is no longer celebrated all is explicit full-frontal hedonism, no consequence, no responsibility, an inevitable downward slump to unedited unadulterated celebration of the vacuous.

Much Love as always Ms Coco LaVerne x

Money, Money, Money....

2008-10-07T03:20:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, the global economic catastrophe is utterly perplexing and completely terrifying, you have absolutely no idea what to do for the best. It seems likely that you’re just moments away from transforming into marauding brutes stampeding the streets desperately emptying your bank accounts, hastily dragging sacks of cash back to your lairs to stuff under the nearest soiled and soggy mattress where you believe your money will be momentarily safe from imminent financial disaster.

The reason for this calamity you are told is that the banks have ceased to trust and as a result the markets are toppling toward financial cataclysm. Naturally you have faith that your institutions will guarantee to protect your nest egg and your markets believe that each bank or corporation will value the deals that have been struck on this stock exchange floor or that. Remarkably it seems that your global economy is built on faith; delicate, amorphous and impossible to quantify it is trust that underpins your global economic well-being.

As your fabulous and phenomenal prophet I have the unique ability to see you as you truly are - nothing but babes, wretched absurdly needy infants fulfilling your weakness for instantaneous gratification. I do not blame you for spending the pennies, pounds and pence you were told you could afford to borrow. You are weak and have stupidly forgotten how to harness your innate ability for self control, and it is your society and culture that have taught you how to forget.

When you humbly put your trust in those you have faith in and they regrettably disappoint, your foundations are rocked. Like a cowering child punished too harshly for an accidental misdemeanour by a previously patient parent, you shrink within to seek explanation and forgiveness. Pleading for security to return you feel misplaced, rejected and alone. Your governments, your banks and your institutions have betrayed you. As if your trusted familial home has mysteriously disintegrated you no longer know where to seek refuge. You’re anxious for things to return to how they used to be, but everything is altered and all you feel is a profound sense of fear. My Poor Sweet Terrified Darlings; rabbits in headlights have nothing on you.

The governments act as one, the markets as the other like divorcing parents each camp apportions blame. Though perhaps most hurtful of all these warring factions blame you for playing the game they invented. You borrowed too much from them. You were too eager to climb a property ladder they built for you. You bought too much credit to buy the luxury gadgets and gizmos they told you, you needed.

Now play time is well and truly over. Those of you that have lived beyond your means are now paying the price. Though fear not, after a staggeringly difficult period of adjustment your banks will trust again and you will become reacquainted with stability though I suggest that you learn your lessons from this debacle. I suggest that you embrace frugality, allow common sense to drift back into your lives. If you can’t afford it then you don’t deserve it. If you really want it, then save, you’ll appreciate what ever meaningless trinket you inexplicably desire if you sacrifice the luxuries you have come to believe you deserve. Like a family that has lost its fortune you will struggle through this extended period of famine, though sadly my Darlings this is your lot.

Much Love the Fabulous Ms Coco LaVerne x

Beautiful!

2008-09-30T08:22:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, the death of a screen icon of yesteryear is always poignant, this week Paul Newman escaped the mortal coil. This magnificent actor and philanthropist was famed for his beautiful blue eyes, in his youth he embodied the ‘pretty-boy’ ideal, and laid the foundations for the subsequent aesthetic of young male beauty. His legacy lives on in the current landscape of gorgeous young men that are emblazoned on your various screens. Throughout the last few decades ‘pretty-boy’ stars like, James Dean, Rob Lowe, Brad Pitt and Ashton Kutcher have beguiled and charmed their audiences, these boyish beauties embody a modern aesthetic that contrasts strongly with the more rugged and manly John Wayne/Russell Crowe guise that so easily personifies the traditional view of masculinity.

As ever these contemporary Hollywood Icons present an ideal that you however deluded attempt to resemble, in the fifties a young man simply needed to purchase a biker’s jacket to mimic Marlon Brando. A contemporary male has to try a little harder, with computer enhancement and crystal clear HD your modern icons focus is less on the wardrobe and more on the face! Consequently concerned young men surreptitiously raid the make-up bags of their mothers or girlfriends, subtly enhancing their often meagre looks with ‘secretly’ applied mascara, foundation and concealer.

It could be argued that this pursuit of male beauty has reached a climax as large cosmetic companies are noticing this potentially lucrative gap in the market and are in the process of targeting the male make-up consumer. These clever cosmetic companies are cunningly attempting to dupe the simple male into believing that they too can imitate the marvels of male magnificence that are now so ubiquitous by purchasing specially formulated male cosmetics. The market’s recognition of this supposed demand attempts to normalise and promote masculine beauty products.

Terms such as ‘guy-liner’ and ‘man-scara’ appear to have entered the mainstream and are indicative of a zeitgeist that corporations are clamouring to exploit. Less feminine terms in the description of their products suggest a particular masculinity, ‘revived’, ‘groomed’, ‘invigorated’ and ‘age-defence’ steer away from the ‘radiance’, ‘silkiness’ or ‘shimmer’ of previous aspirational feminine beauty products. Product and packaging design also attempt to de-feminise the whole notion of cosmetic enhancement with dark and masculine palettes on strong and solid forms.

Though outside the world of entertainment, male make-up is still an area rife with ridicule, whether the unctuous David Cameron has used a make-up artist at this week’s Conservative conference is for him to know, though I can guarantee he will not be emotionally thanking and congratulating his assistant on stage, as any man attempting to appear ‘mainstream’ is still not ‘allowed’ to appear in any way feminine.

The disguise of an apparently ‘female’ product sadly reflects the underlying misogyny and homophobia of your culture. A gentleman who grooms beyond the norm is labeled effeminate or homosexual! Today for a man to seem like a woman is the worst of insults. Despite the undeniable strength and wonder of womankind your society still feels repulsed by a male who embodies female qualities. Worse still is the insult of appearing in the least bit ‘gay’. In my opinion any male should be flattered to be considered homosexual as it suggests that they offer an alternative to the current contemptible pinnacle of heterosexual masculinity!

However your hypocrisy should not be gender specific. Women are judged on their looks everyday, often with profound consequence. Men’s visual violations are often far more abhorrent and this is despite the desperately narrow margin of error allowed; a cleanly shaved face is the height of most men’s grooming. There is absolutely no doubt that vast swathes of your male population would benefit greatly from cosmetic enhancement. Though the average slovenly man is, I’m sure only too pleased to be omitted from the same social scrutiny that is lavishly placed on woman-kind.

Some of you may believe that rather than encourage men to beautify, it would be better to discourage women from becoming slaves to their regime of glamour. Though In my vast experience it is better to attempt to improve ones appearance as it has the ability to communicate your desire to advance beyond the inadequacies of humanity. I hasten to add that I do not promote fashion fascism as I am blatantly aware of your obvious limitations. To make the best of ones self as I have written before is one of life’s few remaining joys, the quest for betterment the route to enhanced self esteem.

Love as Always the Stunning Ms Coco LaVerne x

Like a Virgin

2008-09-30T06:14:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Darlings, in reference to the above post and as previously promised I'm offering here a few tips to the few men ‘brave’ enough to improve on their lot, though unlike the cosmetic corporations my recommendations are not gender specific, they are universally relevant. If you have never embarked on cosmetic enhancement then I suggest you take a deep breathe. Look in the mirror and try not to be too critical of your own face, however much it repulses you try to look kindly on your vileness. The following tips are helpful if you require a healthy day time look for both men and women.

Step1: Exfoliation is an essential part of any beauty regime as it loosens dead skin cells and creates a solid foundation for what is to come. I prefer a relatively harsh exfoliate as I feel it has the best results though it is best to find a product that suits your own skin type. I find the St Ives range extremely reliable!

Step2: Next moisturising, I believe that a good moisturiser is vitally important, it takes years to find a good product, as they evolve and change I would suggest careful experimentation until you find one that suits. I find an oil free option is best as it prevents the pores from becoming too clogged.

Step3: Once moisturised it is best to let the skin rest before embarking on any cosmetic procedures, allow the moisture to fully penetrate the skin. At this point I would assess the need for cosmetic correction carefully. Blemishes are seldom as dramatic as they feel and coverage is only essential if they absolutely demand it. If you feel totally unable to leave the house with the atrocity that dominates your appearance then carefully select a concealer that matches your skin tone. Once selected apply the product only where redness is visible. Use your smallest finger or if your swollen digits are too clumsy use a cotton bud, be gentle and use the product sparingly. Once applied view your work in various lighting scenarios, daylight is the harshest so if it works there it will work anywhere. If concealer has failed, veils or hats can be an acceptable emergency option or even an alteration of your normal hairstyle can mask the most heinous of eruptions.

Step4: Next a gentle bronzer will give the illusion of a healthy glow and also has the added benefit of reducing the appearance of redness. Try to avoid over use as this can occasionally encourage satsuma comparison. Using a large soft brush evenly disperse bronzing balls (I find these the simplest to apply) to the face not forgetting the neck. Avoiding the under eye has the effect of lighting this area which is prone to dark circles often associated with unhealthy lifestyles. If dark circles are prevalent YSL's ‘Touché Eclat’ is the best product, it is light diffusing and has the added bonus of reflecting the unwanted flash bulbs of unforgiving paparazzi photographers, though I doubt this is something you will have to concern yourselves with.

Step5: An essential part of any vanity case is a pair of eyelash curlers; they miraculously turn short stumpy lashes into perky up turned eye enhancers, opening up the eye enabling light to capture the richness and vivacity of your eye colour. Embark on this procedure with caution and never apply mascara before curling, or your eyelashes will weaken and begin to leap onto your cheeks like lemmings of a cliff. The application of mascara is perhaps the only area prone to gender specificities, though whilst you're keeping this natural I suggest that women and men can benefit from the following advice. After curling the eyelashes apply a small amount of mascara on the upper lashes, from root to end in one fowl swoop. Once dried use a small eye make-up brush to separate the now clumped lashes, this creates the definition without the ‘mascara effect’, spidery black limbs sprouting from ones eyes is much more of an evening look than day wear especially for a young gentleman.

Step6: The most essential and profoundly important part of beauty maintenance is your eyebrows. They offer architectural form to the most flabby of bone structures and are able to efficiently frame your eyes, their linear qualities enliven the most humble and crumbling of façades. To tackle this area requires great bravery and I feel space is too limited to offer the proper advice. I am offering a link here to some external experts who have spent their careers on a quest for the perfect brow, though alas men are too often neglected in this department. Frequently men pluck their own eyebrows forgetting they have larger faces than women. As a result swathes of men appear to have gender confused brows placed on their foreheads. My advice for the men folk is to limit your plucking to tidying and maintenance, do not attempt to shape your eyebrows without the supervision of an expert.

Step7: Your final step to make-up heaven is a gentle lip balm; I find this an essential requirement to maintain a luscious lip, though importantly I use a petroleum free product. The benefit of this is that your lips remain regularly plumped without becoming reliant on a balm. Petroleum based products such as Vaseline actually dry the lips if the product is not used regularly.

Now with some luck and the strict following of my advice you should be ready to present your average faces to a largely indifferent world.

Much Love The Dazzling Ms Coco LaVerne x